Relationship expert reveals how attachment styles affect your sex life

 (Stina Sanders / SWNS)
(Stina Sanders / SWNS)

A relationship expert claims attachment styles can affect your sex life, with avoidant attachers ‘having more casual sex’ and anxious attachers ‘seeking to create bonds through intimacy’.

Psychotherapist Stina Sanders, 31, revealed how different types of attachment style can influence bedroom habits.

She explained attachment styles are formed in our childhood and affect how we approach relationships with others.

There are four types of attachment: anxious, avoidant, secure and disorganised.

According to Stina, anxious attachers use sex for approval and validation whereas avoidant attachers fear intimacy and have lots of casual sex.

Disorganised attachers are the least common and swing between anxious and avoidant tendencies, whereas secure attachers have good self-esteem and seek long-term commitment.

Stina, from London, said: “All attachment styles are born in childhood and are shaped by how our parents treated us.

“People with anxious attachment probably felt a lack of love and security in their childhood.

“Anxious attachers use sex to get approval and validation from their partner.

“Sexual behaviours of anxious adults are driven by their attempts to make up for their lack of love and security they feel within themselves.

“They can use sex to manipulate their partner into getting what they want and use sex to create a bond.

“As a rule of thumb, they fall in love easily and rush into having sex with partners.

“They can become very dependent and clingy since they’re set on having security and stability and fear abandonment and rejection.”

 (Stina Sanders / SWNS)
(Stina Sanders / SWNS)

According to Stina, avoidant attachers are more likely to engage in casual sex than ‘close, intimate relationships’.

“Parents of avoidant attachers were around but potentially didn’t fulfil all their needs, they may have felt like a burden to their caregiver,” she said.

“Avoidants fear intimacy and sex and intimacy can make an avoidant attacher very uncomfortable.

“Avoidant attachers have fewer long-term relationships and prefer casual sex or will abstain from sex entirely.

“Avoidants can use porn and fantasy as a substitute for intimacy.

“Their intimate behaviours tend to be driven by their ego or to fulfil a need to manipulate or control their partner.

“They’re more likely to use sex to reduce their stress.”

According to Stina, avoidants often keep their partner at arms lengths and are less likely to fall in love.

Disorganised attachment, also known as ‘fearful avoidant’, is the least common of the four styles.

She explained: “Disorganised is a combination of anxious and avoidant - these attachers think they are unworthy of love.

“They can have passionate and fiery relationships but might freak out the minute things get intimate.

“Like anxious attatchers, they have difficulty trusting and relying on lovers.

“They have a higher likelihood of developing a sex addiction and often end up in submissive roles if they are to get in a stable relationship.”

Secure attachers have low levels of anxiety and good levels of self-esteem, explained Stina.

“They don’t rely on other people and once they engage in a relationship, feel positive about their partners.

“They don’t use sex to feed their ego, rather to express affection for their partner.

“They’re more likely to be spontaneous and experimental in the bedroom because they don’t feel judged or pressured.

“They love long-term commitment and closeness.”

There are online quizzes and resources available to determine your attachment style.

Stina said: “It’s worth everybody finding out their attachment style, you can change your attachment style and it can be affected by the person you date.

“It’s worth going to therapy to help unlearn negative behaviours and patterns and to establish better boundaries.”