World Series Rooting Guide | The Bandwagon
This week, Hannah Keyser breaks down the World Series matchup between the Braves and the Astros, giving you a fan scorecard to decide which team to root for for in the Fall Classic. She also dishes a whole season’s worth of Humble Proposals to Fix Baseball.
Video transcript
HANNAH KEYSER: I'm not a big fan of Halloween. It's cute in the beginning and then cute when you have kids. Not much happening in the middle. I don't ever dress up. I wore the same costume every year in college just because I didn't want to have to think of a new one.
- Which was?
HANNAH KEYSER: Not gonna tell. Not gonna tell you.
[LAUGHTER]
But you're going to leave that out there as an Easter egg.
[CLAP OF MOVIE SLATE]
I'm Hannah Keyser, and this is "The Bandwagon."
[CHEERING]
- "Bandwagon" World Series, baby!
HANNAH KEYSER: World Series edition.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
When last we talked, I had a whole bunch of high hopes for what I wanted to see in these playoffs. And then I went and saw very little of that. None, actually. I spent the past couple of weeks traversing the country watching my ideal bracket get busted at every turn. And I'm not bitter, per se.
- A little bit.
HANNAH KEYSER: But I think we can all agree that this has been a bad postseason.
- Yeah.
HANNAH KEYSER: We've barely gotten any beef or accusations of oppositional malfeasance. But that's OK. Just because we're left with an on-paper match-up only Ronnie Snitker could love-- the Astros' hitting coach's mother and Braves manager's wife-- doesn't mean we're going to abandon our obligation to give you someone to root for.
And so I'm going to try to pick a team to bandwagon this World Series by focusing on the positives and not through process of elimination by weighing past on-field infractions against lingering retrograde racist traditions.
- Yes.
HANNAH KEYSER: Should be fun.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, we're just going to award one point for each arbitrary category. And then we'll just see where that takes us.
- Road to get here.
[WHOOSH]
See, this is where we get to ding the Astros for the banging scheme.
- The banging scheme!
HANNAH KEYSER: I do like a dynasty and the narrative heft of having Houston serve as a sort of semi-perpetual final boss of October. But you kind of can't talk about appearing in your third World Series in five years without reminding everyone that at least one of those came while cheating. The Astros are undeniably talented, and at some point, we will all have to move on. This, however, is not that point.
The Braves, meanwhile, are appearing in their first World Series in over 20 years. And it couldn't have happened without a late season collapse from the Mets. The worst team in the postseason this year, the Braves didn't even have a winning record until August 6.
That's right. They spent the first 110 games of the regular season below .500. And, in addition to being an inspiration for procrastinators everywhere, it is a compelling argument for front offices to continue to invest in teams that spent the first half underperforming. This is an easy one to award to the Braves for being the little engine that could, overcoming injury to their MVP caliber player. All right, next up.
- Lovable manager!
HANNAH KEYSER: This is going to be my most controversial take. But here it goes. Dusty Baker has managed 54 postseason games since his last World Series appearance with the Giants in 2002. Since then, he's established himself as an icon, an institution, an unrepentant straight shooter, and an endless supply of swag at any age.
- Now, you're 72.
- Cool 72.
- You are cool 72.
HANNAH KEYSER: Drafted by the Braves in 1967, he'll return to the site of his earliest playing days on a quest to lose his title as the winningest manager without a World Series ring, because a championship might be the only thing standing between him and a well-deserved spot in Cooperstown. It's hard to upstage the entire city of Atlanta when it comes to Hank Aaron stories, but if anyone can do it, it is Dusty Baker. And it's hard to make the baseball viewing universe--
- Go, Dusty.
HANNAH KEYSER: --go, you know, maybe it would be nice if the Astros won. But that's literally what Dusty was hired to do, here to be a human shield against Houston's hateability, he has leveraged that rather unfortunate opportunity into a chance to prove that he is just as much a talented tactician as he is a font of folksy soundbites. That said, I feel like nobody talks about Brian Snitker, who is also old and also on a lifelong quest to reach baseball's biggest stage. He doesn't have 1,987 managerial wins like Dusty does because he didn't get the chance to manage in the big leagues until he was 60 years old.
- Wow.
HANNAH KEYSER: He has never been with another organization. For more than four decades, he's been a bad minor league catcher for the Braves, a manager at basically every minor league level for the Braves, a bullpen coach, a bench coach, and now he's the guy tearing up when his team wins the pennant. Just look at him. It's cute. A largely unsung lifer, Snit takes this one for the Braves. But I might be willing to change my mind if Dusty makes his son, Darren, now 22, bat boy again.
- October hero!
HANNAH KEYSER: With the Astros basically out of arms towards the end of the ALCS, Framber Valdez and Luis Garcíá turned the Red Sox from a offensive juggernaut into, well, you know, more like a team that was in danger of losing their playoff berth to the Mariners on the last day of the regular season.
- Hmm.
HANNAH KEYSER: But the real hero of Houston's postseason has been Yordan Álvarez. A year after undergoing double knee surgery-- just because they offer you a BOGO doesn't mean you have to take it-- Álvarez batted an ALCS record .522 to bail out struggling [INAUDIBLE] team. Of course, about 24 hours later, he was one-upped statistically by the Braves' Eddie Rosario.
Months after being acquired for the price of one over the [INAUDIBLE] Kung Fu Panda, who was promptly released, Rosario earned NLCS MVP honors with the even more impressive .560 batting average with three home runs against the Dodgers. But the decisive factor here is that the Braves have a reliever affectionately nicknamed "Tyler Nutsack."
[SNICKER]
It was only a few years ago that the yips forced Tyler Matzek out of baseball entirely, leading him down a winding road that included sessions with a Navy SEAL turned life coach, time living with his wife in a trailer park, and a stint with the independent Texas AirHogs.
- [INAUDIBLE]
HANNAH KEYSER: And yet there he was, after five years away from Major League Baseball, bailing out his team by striking out some of the best bats in the game to send the Braves to the World Series. Do you get the nickname now?
- Mm-hmm.
HANNAH KEYSER: Yeah?
- Yeah, [INAUDIBLE].
HANNAH KEYSER: If not, helpfully, fellow reliever Luke Jackson explained it to "Sports Illustrated" thusly-- quote, "because he's got to drag those huge balls out to the mound every night."
[LAUGHTER]
And that's the only time that it's that definition and not baseballs. So often, the euphemism goes the other way. And if you're a Braves fan out there wondering, is there any cool Tyler Nutsack merch, he did actually play for the Modesto Nuts for a minute there. So maybe?
- Team [? Bit. ?]
HANNAH KEYSER: Maybe the first mic drop moment of the month was when Carlos Correa was so confident about this homer in the first ALCS game that, rather than run, he just calmly checked his nonexistent watch. Why? Because October is his time! Say what you will--
- Ooh.
HANNAH KEYSER: --about the Astros, but that's cool. And when the Red Sox tried to steal his [INAUDIBLE] to mock him, Correa was literally like, that's cool.
CARLOS CORREA: He did my celebration. I thought it was kind of cool.
HANNAH KEYSER: That's not catching on. I mean, Sr. Mary Catherine did it in maybe the only memorable first pitch so far this postseason. Where is the rest of the team? You do, like, a whole temporal thematic situation.
On the other hand, pretty much everyone in and around the Atlanta metro area from fans to the Falcons is wearing pearl necklaces. And now let "The Drew Barrymore Show" explain why.
ROSS MATHEWS: Joc Pederson has been playing in the field wearing pearls. Yeah, Joc says they're 100% real pearls. And there's no big story behind them. He's just a fan of pearls.
HANNAH KEYSER: And until the Astros fashion choices get the stamp of approval from daytime talk television, got to give this one to the Braves.
[BELL RINGS]
That said, if the Astros show up to game 1 rocking Flavor-Flav-style watch necklaces, I think it's a draw.
- Fans.
HANNAH KEYSER: OK, yeah, see-- this one goes to the Astros.
[BELL RINGS]
But in the end, even a good faith effort couldn't make them bandwagonable. And it was not especially close. So I think we're--
[BELL RINGS]
--rooting--
[BELL RINGS]
--for the Braves? Yeah.
- [INAUDIBLE]
HANNAH KEYSER: [LAUGHS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
This week for "Humble Proposal," I'm just going to run through a whole bunch of my own ideas because I haven't gotten to do that in a while, and not because it was prohibitively difficult to schedule anything else in the moving target that it's the time between the match-up getting settled and my having to fly out tomorrow morning very early. First up, shorter season.
- Fan!
[AIR HORN]
- Not a fan.
[SAD TROMBONE]
HANNAH KEYSER: So it's, like, two for three? All right, cool. We're doing that one.
Don't expand the postseason. Keep it exactly as it is. I know it's kind of like an anti-humble proposal. But next year, it will be a humble proposal.
- Fan!
- Fan.
[AIR HORN]
HANNAH KEYSER: Yeah, everybody likes that. Two wild cards, exactly correct. No robo-umps? Keep the human umps?
- I like [INAUDIBLE] umps.
- Fan.
HANNAH KEYSER: No starts after 7:00 PM?
- Fan.
- Fan!
HANNAH KEYSER: Yeah, all right. Get rid of the base cam, that thing that TBS does where it's just a bunch of dirt until someone's foot blocks the lens?
- Not a fan.
- [INAUDIBLE]
[AIR HORN]
HANNAH KEYSER: On the other hand, perpetual bullpen cam. What are they doing out there?
- Fan!
- Yes, fan.
- Yes, big fan.
[AIR HORN]
HANNAH KEYSER: Right? I would watch that instead. We're going to get a little more controversial here. All right, starters have to throw at least six innings or 90 pitches, whichever comes first.
I don't know why we're trying anything else, like roster limits or the double hook. If you want to regulate something, just regulate the thing you want to regulate. Starters have to stay out there.
[AIR HORN]
- Fan.
- Fan!
- Not a fan.
[SAD TROMBONE]
HANNAH KEYSER: Bigger bases like they're testing in the minor leagues, but only if they also start regulating the oven mitts that they're all wearing on their hands. You can only go like half an inch beyond your fingertips.
- [LAUGHS]
- Not a fan.
[SAD TROMBONE]
- Sure!
- More of the notes.
HANNAH KEYSER: [LAUGHS] Pay the minor leaguers more--
- Yeah.
HANNAH KEYSER: --even if you're covering their housing expenses because they're [MUTED] adults who are doing a job and just because you're putting them up in dormitories doesn't mean they also deserve a salary.
- Big fan!
- Yeah, fan.
[AIR HORN]
HANNAH KEYSER: We're about to go into the offseason. This is our last "Bandwagon" in a while. And I was going to tell you, here's how we should do baseball starting in 2022.
They're fixing the CBA. They're redoing the whole CBA. And if you're listening, Rob Manfred, Tony Clark, Dan Halem, Bruce Meyer, any one of you who are going to be sitting at the table, I want you to take this into consideration when you sit down to negotiate what baseball should look like in 2022.
Are you guys ready for this? Every base should be one point with a cumulative effect for extra-base hits, where a double is two points, a triple is three points, a home run is four points, plus all the bases accumulated by whoever was on the bases already. I think that would fix everything!
- Banana ball!
HANNAH KEYSER: Do you like it?
- Fan?
[AIR HORN]
HANNAH KEYSER: I'm calling it total baseball. I mean, they're [INAUDIBLE].
- Total baseball.
HANNAH KEYSER: When you're sitting at home in the cold, dark winter of non-baseball, just let that one-- that one roll around in your brain a little bit. Total baseball. And, always and forever, move the fences back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
