Unsure about breaking up with your partner during the pandemic? This is what you need to know
Breaking up with someone at any time is a difficult thing to navigate. But breaking up with somebody during a pandemic, like we're currently experiencing, can make a tough situation even harder. While breaking up with a partner might feel more difficult right now, remember that your wellbeing must come first - but that doesn't mean you need to be harsh on your ex. So if you're worrying, don't - we've got you. Here's our top advice on navigating a lockdown breakup that's kind on both sides.
How to break up in a pandemic
Breaking up might feel different right now - but while the pandemic might have put almost everything on hold, this shouldn't include your wellbeing. So don't hang on until the virus passes in order to end a relationship.
Saying that, consider the fallout and support you'll be able to access. "Normally, you might go out with friends, start dating again, or start new hobbies - so think about which distractions are out of reach," says Dee Holmes, a relationship counsellor at Relate.
That doesn't mean you can't find different ways to do these things, says relationship therapist Aoife Drury. Speak to friends on Zoom, meet up from a distance, or set aside time for yourself to focus on something you enjoy - even if it's just watching Netflix.
How to break up if you're living together
Ending a relationship when you live together might feel especially daunting while we're still in semi-lockdown. If you can have an open conversation, talk about one of you potentially moving out. Government guidelines now say that you can move home, as long as you stay there, and move out "where reasonably necessary," but not if you have symptoms.
If moving out isn't possible, create space in the house to live separately until you can move out properly, says Aoife, whether that means one of you takes the sofa or the spare room.
But if you've moved in together because of the pandemic, "this is likely to be sooner than planned, with the added factor of being together 24/7 - which wouldn't normally happen," Dee explains. So don't immediately jump to the conclusion of breaking up, as this is still an abnormal situation.
However, safety is your number one priority. If you're in an abusive relationship and need to leave without telling your partner, you should do. You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0800 2000 247 at a time that is safe.
How to break up if you're living apart
Breaking up when you can't see your partner might feel harsh, but that's not a reason to hold onto a relationship that isn't right. Try to make it as face-to-face as possible to make sure you're having the conversation in a meaningful way, says Aoife. So, instead of dumping someone over text or phone, set up a video call, or meet them from a distance if you live nearby.
How to make a breakup kind on both sides
"Lockdown or not, you should be thoughtful about how you end a relationship," says relationship therapist Catriona Boffard. "Treat them how you'd like to be treated," she adds. So, if you wouldn't like to be dumped over text, they probably won't either.
"Think about not just what you say but how you say it, make your reasons clear, be sensitive and honest," Catriona explains. "Acknowledge that this is hard for you both, and that the timing is challenging, but that you need to do this for you," she adds. "Try not to blame them if they haven't done anything wrong," says Dee. Instead, use "I" sentences to explain your own feelings.
It might be easy to feel guilty for dumping the other person, especially if you know they won't have their usual support network around, says Dee. But the kinder thing to do is be honest. "We don't know how long the pandemic will continue," Dee explains, "so don't drag out a bad relationship, or give your partner false hope that you're missing them or that things will be great after lockdown."
How to be sure that you want to break up
At the moment, it can be difficult to distinguish between being unhappy in your relationship, or feeling down and anxious about coronavirus. To figure out your feelings, Aoife suggests writing down your thoughts in a diary, or talking to somebody.
Ask yourself how things were before coronavirus hit, says Catriona. If things were good, it might be that coronavirus is adding stress - so you could see how things change after lockdown. In the meantime, Catriona suggests trying a virtual session with a couple's therapist.
If things already weren't great, don't think that the pandemic could somehow fix it, Catriona adds. "Lockdown has given us the space to evaluate a lot of about our lives," she explains, and while coronavirus might have blurred your feelings, it could also have made them clearer.
If you need help you can contact the Freephone 24h National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0800 2000 247, or visit Women's Aid's website.
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