What’s on TV tonight: Battle of the Bagpipes, The Man with 1,000 Kids and more

Wednesday 3 July

Battle of the Bagpipes
Sky Arts, 9pm
Narrated by Bill Paterson, this three-part series takes a classic documentary structure – following three different outfits as they prepare for a big competition – and, while offering little in the way of pace, gains considerably from its respectful approach and the novelty of the subject matter. With Glasgow’s World Pipe Band Championships looming, three bands have their eyes on the prize: Lisburn’s Field Marshal Montgomery, led by the most successful pipe major, Richard Parks; Inverurie and District, looking to add a third title to their tally; and Boghall and Bathgate, whose leader Ross Harvey can inflate his neck to Dizzy Gillespie proportions when he gets going. While the rehearsal rooms are not for the faint-hearted (tuning, we are told, is essential for a pure sound), the soundtrack is stirring; despite the adherence to tradition, the focus on community outreach makes it surprisingly easy to imagine why the pipes and drums remain appealing even among the young. Diversions to Redford Barracks, the home of military pipes, introduces us to the history and two piping prodigies – the garnish on an otherwise absorbing hour. GT

The Man with 1,000 Kids
Netflix
Another true-crime extravaganza from Netflix, this time a three-part profile of Jonathan Meijer, the Dutch con artist whose obsessive sperm donation attracted the attention of the authorities and the ire of many couples whom he defrauded.

The Football Fraudster
ITV1, 9pm
First shown on ITVX, this is the startling story of failed footballer-turned-con man Medi Abalimba. Nothing about him was what it seemed, from his wealth and age to his identity – he spent months pretending to be former Chelsea winger Gaël Kakuta, enjoying all the associated perks and even swindled Love Island’s Georgia Steel, with whom he had a brief relationship, out of thousands of pounds.

George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces
Channel 4, 9pm
The indefatigable Mackem crams in six more startling builds and renovations, including a return trip to a teenager looking to follow up his extraordinary shepherd’s hut transformation, a garden folly inspired by a wedding cake and a circular house inspired by a collection of classic cars in Denmark.

A Killer Makes a Call: Black Widow
Channel 5, 9pm
A sad story is given the tabloid TV treatment in this retelling of the killing of David Jackson by his wife of 24 years, Penelope, in February 2021. It attempts to answer the difficult question of whether she was the real victim, who snapped after years trapped in a relationship of coercive control, or simply a cold-blooded killer?

Outrageous Homes
Channel 4, 10pm
A vampiric fantasy in bricks and mortar. A 1900s house with a built-in corner shop. A miniscule Welsh cottage full of surprises. Tonight’s structures are eccentric, perhaps, but all pale in comparison to our host, the reliably absurd Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
 
Trevor Eve Remembers Waking the Dead
BBC Four, 10pm
Not a man known for indulging his lighter side on screen, Trevor Eve found perhaps his archetypal role in DS Peter Boyd, a cold-case expert haunted by the absence of an estranged son and, later, the death of a colleague. Here, he recounts the genesis of the crime series which ran for nine series and whose first two proper episodes air back-to-back this evening.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) ★★★★
Film4, 6.35pm  
In the halcyon days before romcoms fell out of favour with studio execs (until Anyone But You, that is – see Friday), Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey shone as an unlikely couple brought together by an unlikely scheme (and their devilish good looks) – respective bets that they could convince the other to fall in love. McConaughey, Hollywood’s golden Texan, is just as spellbinding as he is in serious dramas.

For Your Eyes Only (1981) ★★★
ITV4, 8pm  
In Roger Moore’s fifth Bond film, 007 is sent to recover a device that was lost in the depths when a British spy ship sank in the Ionian Sea. It can order attacks from Britain’s submarine missiles, so Bond must reach it before the Soviets do, but of course he gets distracted by mysterious beauty Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet), whose parents were murdered by the KGB. The vastly superior Octopussy is on Thursday at 8pm.

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) ★★★★
Sky Showcase, 9pm  
Matt Damon returns for another crunchingly violent instalment of the pulsating spy series (directed for the second time by Paul Greengrass). Jason Bourne (Damon), the amnesiac CIA agent, is trying to find out his true identity before double-crossing CIA bods assassinate him. Why? Once he recovers his memory, Bourne has access to secrets that would be their undoing. Julia Stiles co-stars.

Thursday 4 July

Election Night
BBC One, BBC Two, ITV1, Channel 4 & Sky News, from 9pm
If the pollsters are to be believed, the 2024 General Election promises to be one of the most extraordinary nights in recent political history. But which channel will you watch the results on? The BBC’s coverage will begin on BBC One at 9.55pm, with anchors Clive Myrie and Laura Kuenssberg analysing the night’s results with the help of an array of familiar faces, including Jeremy Vine. Meanwhile, on ITV1 (9.50pm), Tom Bradby welcomes former Chancellor George Osborne and former Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to dissect the result. Sky’s Kay Burley will be joined by Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham and Ruth Davidson, the former Leader of the Scottish Conservatives, from 9pm. Channel 4, unsurprisingly, have gone for something slightly different. Airing from 9.45pm, Britain Decides… will be led by Krishnan Guru-Murthy and Emily Maitlis, alongside The Rest is Politics podcast hosts Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart. There will be big name political guests (former culture secretary Nadine Dorries, for instance) but also contributions from the cast of Gogglebox. How late will you stay up? SK

Gardeners’ World
BBC Two, 8pm
Tonight’s special edition comes from the RHS Hampton Court Palace Garden Festival. Nick Bailey and Rachel de Thame will share highlights of the best gardens, gold medal winner Tom Massey provides tips on designing your own and Arit Anderson talks sustainable planting.

Supermarket Own-Brands: The Big Taste Test
Channel 5, 8pm
This fizzy one-off special investigates the relationship between well-known food and drink brands and their cheap supermarket knock-offs. Can a panel of taste testers tell them apart? In the case of Coca-Cola, you might be surprised. Other brands tested include Cheerios and Jaffa Cakes.

Tom Kerridge Cooks Britain
ITV1, 8.30pm
Michelin-starred chef Tom Kerridge takes to the road in this tasty new series, which is themed around what it takes to produce the food on our plates. Tonight he drives his food truck to Kent and Cambridgeshire. While travelling around the latter he visits one of the country’s biggest farms to trace the origins of a delicious beetroot and pearl barley salad.

Douglas is Cancelled
ITV1, 9pm
Steven Moffat’s cancel culture satire continues. Tonight sees Douglas (Hugh Bonneville) being prepared for a potentially gruelling interview. The main theme, though, is the tug-of-war between his formidable wife Sheila (Alex Kingston) and his manipulative co-anchor Madeline (Karen Gillan). Stay tuned until the end for a superb cliffhanger.

Susan Calman’s Grand Day Out
Channel 5, 9pm
Susan Calman hops between the Channel Islands, beginning with Jersey, where she samples their famed potatoes and explores the third largest tidal range in the world. And on petite neighbour Guernsey, she receives the honour of firing the island’s traditional noon day cannon.
 
Paul Whitehouse’s Sketch Show Years
Gold, 10pm
The second week of Paul Whitehouse’s sketch comedy retrospective takes a stroll through the 1980s. There are obvious picks – Not the Nine O’Clock News and the significance of Lenny Henry – alongside a welcome spotlight on the quietly bold ITV comedians Hale and Pace, who inspired a flood of complaints with their microwave cat sketch.

Space Cadet (2024)
Amazon Prime Video  
Emma Roberts returns to the kind of flitty, flirty comedy that made her name (Easy A, Scream Queens). In Liz W Garcia’s film, Roberts is Rex, a fun-loving Florida party girl who somehow winds up as Nasa’s number one space cadet. Up against other candidates with stronger CVs and, let’s be honest, bigger brains, it’s down to Rex’s sparky personality to see her through; think of it as a modern, space-centred update on Legally Blonde.

Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Film4, 9pm  
★★★★ ★
Quentin Tarantino’s homage to war films is audaciously bloody, darkly comic and anchored by actors playing thrillingly against type. Christoph Waltz won an Oscar for his incendiary turn as the “Jew Hunter”; Brad Pitt is almost as memorable as the chief Nazi-killer, Aldo “the Apache” Raine. Django Unchained, Tarantino’s brilliant Western pastiche, set on a slave plantation, is on Film4 on Friday at 9pm.

Moulin Rouge! (2001) ★★★★
BBC Two, 10.25pm  
Baz Luhrmann’s intoxicating spectacle was the first musical to be nominated for Best Picture in 22 years. Set in 1899 Montmartre, it follows a poet (Ewan McGregor) who becomes love-struck with a courtesan (Nicole Kidman). The mix of modern pop and a period setting, now the familiar tools of Luhrmann’s oeuvre, ensure that this is a thrilling assault on the senses. The dazzling stage show is currently in the West End.

Friday 5 July

Brats
Disney+
Sometimes only an insider – someone who’s actually lived it – can get under the skin of a story. That’s certainly how it is with this fascinating – if at times self-indulgent – documentary from Andrew McCarthy, about the 1980s phenomenon in which he played a part: the Brat Pack. A flash in the pan that encompassed a hyper- glamorous group of party-loving young film stars (Emilio Estevez, Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy and McCarthy) and the movies they broke through in, from Pretty in Pink to St Elmo’s Fire and The Breakfast Club. Films that tapped into the burgeoning materialism of the era and the angst that came with it, epitomising all that was youthful, beautiful and exciting about the 1980s to some, and everything that was shallow and commodified to others. What no one stopped
to wonder was whether the Brat Pack label might be a curse rather than a blessing for those stuck with it. It’s a theme McCarthy explored in his 2021 memoir Brat: An 80s Story. Here he reaches out to his fellow Brat Packers (most of whom he hasn’t seen for decades) to see if their experiences were, in retrospect, as mixed as his own. GO

Election 2024: The Results
BBC One, ITV1, Channel 4 & Sky News, from 6am
It’s the morning after polling day and the TV schedules are packed with news and analysis of the results. BBC One and ITV1’s coverage rolls on deep into the afternoon, as does Sky News’ led by Sophy Ridge from 7am. There are also plans for another Question Time special (9pm/11.10pm depending on the football) while Channel 4 offers light relief with The Last Leg: Election Special (10pm).

Motorway: Hell on the Highway
Channel 5, 8pm
This week’s focus is on driving disasters caused by bad weather, such as torrential rain. As ever, though, there’s plenty of non climate-based chaos on display, too, such as a driver pulling over in the M1’s outside lane to answer a call of nature.

Celebrity Gogglebox
Channel 4, 9pm
The celebrities (including Rylan Clark and mum Linda, Shaun Ryder and Bez, Fearne Cotton and Gok Wan) zoom in on the most talked-about TV in the run up to the election. There could even be overlap with last night’s C4 coverage, which featured some Gogglebox stars. But if you were up all night watching that, the likelihood is you won’t still be up for this.

Kylie at the BBC
BBC Four, 9pm
If your mood demands pop not politics, here’s 90 minutes of Kylie from the archive, followed by her performance at last year’s Radio 2 in the Park in Leicester, at 10.30pm. Plus, a selection of hits from other Stock Aitken Waterman acts such as Rick Astley, Bananarama and Jason Donovan, at 11.35pm.

The Sommerdahl Murders
More4, 9pm
The Scandi-agony continues as Danish police inspector Dan (Peter Mygind) and his forensics officer wife Marianne (Laura Drasbæk) embark on another double-episode investigation, despite their collapsing marriage. Tonight, when a woman falls to her death from a height, news that she recently won the lottery raises suspicions.
 
Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die
Sky Comedy, 10.15pm
In this hilarious stand-up special, the popular American comedian and reality star dives into why she hasn’t decided to have children, the harsh realities of ageing, her remaining sexual fantasies, and her carefully laid plans for death – or, at least, what happens after it.

The Imaginary (2023) ★★★
Netflix  
Studio Ghibli might be the most famous Japanese animation house, but new-kids-on-the-block Studio Ponoc are offering their own array of delights. The Imaginary follows Rudger, who belongs to the invisible species known as Imaginaries created by a grieving girl, Amanda. The story has echoes of Pixar’s Inside Out franchise, but with a sweeter, more dreamlike spin. The voice cast includes Kokoro Terada and Rio Suzuki.

Anyone But You (2023) ★★★★
Sky Cinema Premiere, 8pm  
Another Shakespeare play gets the modern romcom treatment, this time Much Ado About Nothing. Euphoria star Sydney Sweeney takes the lead as law student Bea; Glen Powell (Hit Man) is the charming finance bro she has an “enemies to lovers” fling with. Filmed mostly in Australia, it’s cheesy, yes, but the two leads have sizzling chemistry – little wonder it was the highest-grossing romcom of the past decade.

Shirley Valentine (1989) ★★★★
5STAR, 9pm  
Willy Russell adapts his witty one-character play for this delightful kitchen-sink drama. Shirley Valentine (Pauline Collins) is a middle-aged Liverpool housewife who travels to Greece to escape midlife malaise, and to learn if there’s more to life than the kitchen. Swept off her feet by Greek bar owner Costas (Tom Conti), she sees herself in a new light. Joanna Lumley, Alison Steadman and Julia McKenzie co-star.

The Woman in Black (2012) ★★★★
BBC One, 12.10am  
Thanks to its hyper-Edwardian setting and some canny alterations, this feels less like a remake of Susan Hill’s acclaimed ghost story (that’s terrified West End audiences for years) than a new reading of an old tale with spooky new resonances. Daniel Radcliffe gives a chilling, memorable performance in his first film post-Harry Potter, while director James Watkins
uses shadows and empty spaces to create a percolating sense of dread.

Television previewers

Stephen Kelly (SK), Veronica Lee (VL), Gerard O’Donovan (GO), Poppie Platt (PP) and Gabriel Tate (GT)