This is how we do it: ‘The threesomes are on hold while we try for a baby’
Mila, 30
We are now having sex not just for pleasure, but because we have to have it at a certain time
Oliver and I met while we were studying for master’s degrees seven years ago. We flirted one night and he ended up staying at mine. From the start, the sex was great – it was like we didn’t have to communicate what we liked or wanted. By the time Covid happened, we had been together five years, were living together, and things had got a bit boring.
We were very comfortable and loving with each other, but there wasn’t much of a spark left. We were still having sex – usually foreplay and a few different positions – but it was just OK. We were 27 and both wondering: is this it? Do we want to be together for the rest of our lives? We had big discussions about our relationship and what we wanted sexually, like fantasies we hadn’t shared before. We had the best sex of our lives in those few weeks – it was like a release.
We began to bring things into the bedroom, like a bit of whipping and tying each other up
Out of those conversations came ideas of doing some kinkier things. We started talking about trying a threesome. We also began to bring things into the bedroom, like a bit of whipping and tying each other up, and I started wearing sexy lingerie. We set up a Feeld profile, which in itself was really exciting.
Not long after, we went on a date with a girl who was quite experienced. A week later she came round and we had a threesome. Having that experience made us feel more connected. I was scared that I would feel insecure if there was another woman in the bedroom to compare myself with, but that didn’t happen at all; it was just really sexy.
We’re both up for experimenting more, but we’re trying for a baby, so that’s all on hold for now. I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and some months ago was referred to the fertility clinic. I had to have lots of tests, and didn’t feel sexy or feminine. It was stressful to not understand what’s going on in your own body.
We are now having sex not just for pleasure, so we have to have it at a certain time. It’s less spontaneous, and means that, even if we’re a bit tired, we still have to try. It does take the sexiness away a bit. I think Oliver feels a certain pressure, so it takes him longer to get turned on.
Callout
Oliver, 30
Getting a semen test is the least sexual experience you can have
Mila and I met in our early 20s. When we got together, there was instant desire, and sex always had that thrill. We maintained that as the relationship progressed. On average, we would have sex maybe three times a week, and at least one of those would be spent taking our time over it. We would go to bed early and start off with massages. We would talk a lot, saying what we wanted the other person to do, or describing a fantasy. Mila’s was imagining having a threesome with two men; mine was a threesome with two women, or bringing in some toys. It’s about making an experience around it.
It took a few years until we started exploring more. I remember going on a night out post-Covid and I got some attention from a girl I thought was very attractive. Nothing happened but there was definitely something there. I spoke to Mila about it, and it slowly opened up the avenue that both of us were still interested in being with other people. We’re committed to each other and see our future together, but we both felt a bit sad about closing off the idea of sleeping with other people.
A threesome was the most adventurous thing we’ve done. It was amazing
We had conversations for months about situations we wanted to explore, and ended up having a threesome. It was amazing – the most adventurous thing we’ve done. To share that feeling with my partner was such a novelty.
We’re going through a fertility process at the moment, which has been quite a shock after a kinkier sex life. Mila’s got PCOS, so we were always aware that it might be a bit difficult to conceive. Once we started this process, about nine months ago, sex became more about fertility than the thrill.
We’ve both had lots of tests – being tested, prodded and exposed is challenging. Getting a semen test is the least sexual experience you can have. You sit in a little room that has a leather chair covered in a paper blanket and they tell you that the wifi doesn’t have a filter on it. The last thing I want to do after that is go home and have sex.
It’s been hard to find ways to make time for each other on a sexual level; the emotional level has obviously taken precedence during this process. It’s early days, so we still need to figure out how to maintain both the emotional care for each other and the thrill of sex.
