‘Relax, be present’: Malaysian expert talks about what makes for good sex
KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 14 — Far from what pornography might tell us, great sexual experience seems to have little to do with the intercourse duration, moaning and screaming orgasms.
According to sex therapist and counsellor Chan Fun Shin, good sex is a process of achieving sensual satisfaction.
“To achieve that, we must let go of our consciousness and follow our innate animal instinct.
“Having sexual sensation is a motivator to push us towards seeking partners.”
To maximise the sensation and be able to feel good while having sex, Chan said one needs to be completely relaxed and in a present state of mind.
“Leave your worries outside the bedroom, being a good lover seeking to offer and receive pleasure at the same time is the key to having a great time in bed.
“When having sex, letting go of perfectionism and learning to surrender to our deepest instinct at that moment is a skill worth practising.”
Duration doesn’t make much difference
While many people may link a pleasurable sexual experience to a lengthy duration, Chan said it is considered a subjective topic.
“Sex duration is easily influenced by various elements such as mood, body condition, environmental factors, and relationship status, among others.
“Just like any leisure activity, we will have dissatisfaction if the duration is too short, and we will get bored if the duration goes beyond our leisure threshold.”
Chan also noted that it is common for couples to experience sex discrepancy.
“It is simply because we are all unique in our ways.
“There is never a long or short duration.”
For couples who have different preferences on sex duration, Chan said communication would be the key to ensuring mutual understanding about each other’s needs.
“Let your partner know when you are almost reaching your borderline so they are prepared.
“A sudden end can be disappointing.”
He also said human brain liked variety.
“The play can be extended by constantly refreshing your mind.
“If prolonging sex duration is your goal, try changing different positions and ways to stimulate your sensitive body parts.”
Be more adventurous
Many men often just look at sex as penetrative intercourse.
Chan said such a mindset is because most men achieve orgasm through penetration.
He, however, said non-penetrative activities are essential to set the mood.
“It even determines the level of pleasure during penetration.
“Activities such as sensate touch deserves a highlight.
“Exploring each other’s bodies and finding sensitive spots can be fun.”
Chan said even masturbating for your partner can be an alternative to penetrative sex.
“If you are tired of virginal penetration, using another person’s hand or sex toys can bring some new experiences.
“Yes, some people will say that they prefer to have a mutual orgasm, but focusing on receiving or giving pleasure can be a different angle you may want to explore.”
Age is just a number
Some people may think sex life may somehow become less enjoyable with age.
But Chan believes otherwise.
Citing scientific studies, he said findings have shown that having an active sexual life brings many health benefits.
“I strongly recommend older couples seek sexual pleasure when possible.”
He, however, said utilisation of sex toys could be an area that older couples can explore.
“The human body has its limitations.
“Using some tools as an aid for pleasure can help us go beyond human experience.”
Chan said the vibrating frequency for stimulation is impossible for a human body to mimic.
Therefore, technology can be an option as the elderly become less sensitive to stimulation.
He also noted that introducing mild pain can be an area to explore.
“Studies have found similarities in anatomical substrates between pleasure and painful sensation.
“Under a safe and consensual environment, creating a painful experience in bed can also be pleasurable.”
Chan said age shall not be a reason for couples to stop exploring new ways to have fun in bed.
