Why I chose to love two men at once

*Rae, a 33-year-old bank asset manager, is currently in a relationship with two men at the same time. However, neither of the men is aware of the other's existence. Rae intends to maintain this status quo until she is ready to confront her emotions and figure out what she wants to do. She shares how she manages to keep up with two relationships simultaneously.

My name is Rae, and I’m currently in a relationship with two men – *Russell and *Roy. I love them both a lot. But neither knows about the other, and I plan to keep it that way until I figure out what I truly want.

I can never tell anyone this because they’d never understand. Without a doubt, people are going to judge me and say that I’m cheating, being selfish, and heartless. That’s OK, I feel the same about myself, and no one judges me harder than I do.

Meet my partners: Russell and Roy

I met Russell on Tinder in 2021. He’s a museum curator, and we complement each other well. While I’m practical and organised, he’s creative and spontaneous. Our relationship is calm and steady, which I appreciate, but sometimes it feels a bit too safe and lacks excitement. If I had to point out one major flaw, if you will, in our relationship, it will be that the relationship isn’t exciting enough. It’s not romantic, it’s not fast-paced or riveting. It’s calm… which isn’t bad. It’s just not as fun.

Then, in 2022, I met Roy at a client event. He works for a competing bank, and our shared industry makes conversations easy and enjoyable. Roy is fun, self-sufficient, and doesn’t want anything serious, which suits me perfectly. We don’t text daily, but our dates are romantic and effortless, allowing me to keep my attention divided.

Keeping it all together

Now, I never intended to cheat. When I started talking to Roy, we didn’t discuss our relationship status, and by the time I considered mentioning Russell, things had moved too quickly. I do feel guilty about splitting my attention between two people, but surprisingly, it’s been manageable. I could be myself with both of them, so hanging out with them and going on dates was easy. Scheduling hasn’t necessarily been an issue, either. Roy’s desire to meet nothing more than thrice a week has been helpful, while Russell understands that my busy work schedule means that I can’t respond to them or keep consistent date night plans.

I often worry about running into either of them. To avoid that, I’ve been careful about where we meet. For special occasions like Valentine's Day birthdays, I prioritise whoever asks me out first, which has worked so far without raising suspicions.

Thanks to work, I’ve got both a work and a personal phone. I use different phones and messaging apps for each relationship, which keeps things discreet.

Love isn't always black and white

I’ve not actively told anyone about how I’m in love with two people, but I reckon that if I ever do, they’ll probably ask me how I could do this and that if I had truly loved Russell, I wouldn’t have fallen for Roy. I think this is a weird comparison, though, especially when there are enough studies that discuss how monogamous relationships aren’t natural. But to make it easier, just think about how many friends we make throughout our lives and how easy it is to form some kinship with them. If we became friends with Person A, does it mean we didn’t truly like them if we became friends with Person B?

Deep down, I know the ethical choice would be to come clean, but everything seems to be going well. I’m not with either of them for financial reasons; we’re all in similar positions. I love them both, but in different ways – Russell fulfils my practical side, while Roy brings out my emotional side.

Embracing uncertainty

My biggest fear is that one of them will find out about the other. I know they wouldn’t understand my feelings, and I might lose both. I know these are all the risks I’m taking, and I’m not proud of myself for them. Despite this, I’m happy with the situation so far, and I can’t imagine being without the two of them, at least for now.

So far, I’ve only ever had one close call when Russell messaged me in the middle of the night while I was with Roy. Of course, he asked me who Russell was, and I lied and said Russell was a client. Thankfully, he believed me.

Russell, too, hasn’t suspected anything. If he does, he certainly hasn’t said much about it to me.

I’ve accepted that my situation is complicated. I could lose both partners at any moment. I feel my “luck” might eventually run out. It’s also possible that in the future, I might just not see the value in being with either of them and end things instead. Anything can happen. But for now, I’m content.

My perspective on love might differ from others, but that allows me to navigate this reality without too much turmoil. Ultimately, I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty of my feelings and the lives I’m balancing. I just hope that when the time comes to make a choice, I’ll be ready.

(*Names have been changed on request)