A ‘Real Housewives’-ian Twist: Stormy Daniels Makes the Trump Trial Sexy

Photo Illustration by Luis G. Rendon/The Daily Beast/Reuters/Bravo
Photo Illustration by Luis G. Rendon/The Daily Beast/Reuters/Bravo

At The Daily Beast’s Obsessed, we think the ongoing Trump Trial is about as gossipy and enthralling as any episode of The Real Housewives. With that in mind, we’re recapping the drama like we’d write about any weekly Bravo show—with plenty of wit and snark.

You absolutely hate to hear it, but Stormy Daniels kind of made the ongoing trial of Donald J. Trump…sexy. Yes, I said sexy—but not at all in the way you may think. (Hint: The term “sexy” definitely does not refer to her recounting intercourse with Trump.)

Daniels made her grand return to the witness stand Thursday following her debut on Tuesday, which really made a splash. The adult film star talked about spanking Trump, called seeing him in his boxers a “jump scare,” and detailed how she forced him to change out of his wildly inappropriate silk jammies. Really, all laughable bits here. SNL will have a field day. You can’t make this stuff up!

What’s sexy about all of this is how empowering it is to see Daniels really push back against Trump’s team. In Tuesday’s session, the former president’s attorney attempted to make it seem like Daniels was lying about having sex with Trump. Not only did we see Daniels push back, we also saw Trump struggle with quite a personal dilemma: He’s the type to brag about having sex with a porn star. Now, he has to pretend like it never happened.

So, really, it’s been hot to see Daniels make these snide remarks, as ugly and terrible as the sex itself sounds. Today, Trump’s team attempted to hook Daniels with a “gotcha” trap, reading her the incorrect amount of money that she was paid for a Peacock documentary—presumably trying to see if she’d notice that it was wrong. She did. Win! Daniels said she’s worried Trump’s attorney is trying to “trick me into saying something that’s not entirely true.” You get em, girl.

Then, Trump’s lawyer got on Daniels’ case about some deleted tweets. Lord, if I’m ever in court—please spare me and do not bring up my deleted tweets. My deleted tweets are between me, Elon Musk, and absolutely no one else.

Stormy Daniels’ Trump Trial Testimony Was Like an Episode of Real Housewives

Alas, after Tuesday’s session, Daniels responded to a tweet calling her a “human toilet”: “Exactly!” she wrote back. “Making me the best person to flush the orange turd down.” Trump’s team wasn’t fond of this, but Daniels said that the tweet doesn’t mention that she’s sending him to jail, just that she wants to punish him.

And for the love of Twitter (oops, I mean X), this is hyperbole! “I’m also not a toilet,” Daniels said.

But just to be clear, the orange turd? “Oh,” Daniels said, “I absolutely meant Mr. Trump.”

The defense’s next strategy was pure foolishness. They say that, because Daniels worked in porn, she’s really good at making “phony stories.” The argument: Just like she made up whatever sex scene your weird cousin will probably watch tonight—in honor of the trial, of course—she’s also making up these Trump stories.

“Wow,” Daniels said, taken aback by this ludicrous claim. “That’s not how I would put it. The sex in the films is very much real, just like what happened to me in that room.”

Her next line, however, was the shadiest thing I’ve heard all week: “If that story was untrue, I would’ve written it a lot better.”

Not only did Daniels make a strong case for the validity of her story, she blasted Trump’s boring moves while doing it, too. Here, Daniels was basically saying: “Oh, you thought the Old Spice and the spanking was funny? Oh, honey. It could’ve been even better. Too bad Trump’s about as bland as a bag of uncooked potatoes.”

This was really a mic drop moment—and yet, Trump’s team kept attempting to make Daniels look the fool. Cut your losses, guys; you’re not going to win against a woman who works in the entertainment industry. Trump’s team really set him up with this next one: They claimed that anyone who’s worked on hundreds of adult films wouldn’t be shocked to see Trump in his underwear.

Daniels went easy on Trump, here, saying she just wasn’t expecting him to have stripped. She could’ve definitely mentioned how she’s never seen—to go back to that tweet—an “orange turd” of Trump’s stature. She could’ve commented something wild about his body. But, for once, she held back.

Then, the prosecution was back to ask Daniels a few more clarifying questions to wrap up her time on the stand. Her final question was about Trump calling her “horseface” and “sleazebag”—takes one to know one, I guess—before she was let go.

What are we to do without Daniels on the stand? Although I certainly don’t envy her for having to relive those moments in front of the American public, I applaud her for holding her ground and really shoving it in Trump’s face.

Read more at The Daily Beast.

Get the Daily Beast's biggest scoops and scandals delivered right to your inbox. Sign up now.

Stay informed and gain unlimited access to the Daily Beast's unmatched reporting. Subscribe now.