(Nearly) Every Sport in the Summer Olympic Games, Ranked

Quality marksmanship, executed purely for sport, is impressive. But here in America, we'd welcome the idea of going a day without having to think about a gun.

I respect the gains. I really do. But I can't bring myself to turn on NBC and watch the very thing I actively avoid seeing—Random Acts of Swoleness—at my local Planet Fitness.

See the next item. Add more events. These poor. poor people.

There are some Olympic events that are painful to watch, simply because its competitors look like they're in pain. And the triathlon is an hours-long display of heat exhaustion and the disintegration of human will.

Can someone explain handball to me?

Row, row, row your boat. gently down the stream, merrily merrily, merrily, merrily, I'm a little bored.

Until a league like the MLB approves an extended All-Star break so guys like Shohei Ohtani and Fernando Tatis, Jr. can join in on the fun, it'll be hard to justify airplay for our great pastime.

Archery had its moment when The Hunger Games debuted during the same year as the London Olympics. That moment is over.

Maybe I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the lady who single-handedly ruined the Tour de France, or maybe it's that I find any random Peloton instructor more interesting than the stars of the sport, but I can't bring myself to get hyped for cycling this year.

Same two-wheeled aversion goes here, but with bonus points for those Sick Jumps™.

In spirit, field hockey is a little bit like lacrosse—it's the random sport you tried in your freshman year of high school and quit a few weeks later. It looks cool! Just maybe not something you'll stick with.

Even though we're excited to see pros like our man Rory McIlroy take to the links, we've been watching the best golfers in the world compete all summer in the PGA Tour—so the Olympics don't feel quite as special.

Rugby is the best Olympic sport that you definitely don't understand. They scored? They scored! Has anyone ever secretly hoped that an NFL guy like Saquon Barkley or Aaron Rodgers would guest-star on the U.S. team?

Wrestling, taekwondo, judo, boxing! What can I say? We love a good fight.

Olympic basketball, at least from an American perspective, has been going downhill for years now. The good ol' red-white-and-blue can hardly field a team this year. Still, hoops is always a fun watch, and it'd be rich to see an underdog like the Czech Republic upset the field.

Even if we understand how scoring in surfing works less than we do in gymnastics, it's still a thrill to watch mortals battle the elements for our enjoyment.

The Olympics will always play second fiddle to the World Cup, as far as global soccer showdowns go. But we'll never turn down an opportunity to see the U.S. Women's National Team get together again.

It's refreshing to know that there's a pastime as humble as sailing that counts as an Olympic sport. Ernest Hemingway could've been an Olympian, for god's sake!

Tennis also falls into the we-see-it-enough-during the year camp, but has an edge since we'll see all-timers like Novak Djokovic and Naomi Osaka play. We're bummed that Coco Gauff had to drop out due to a positive COVID test, though.

Diving is about as terrifying as an Olympic sport gets, which makes it the sport you'll most likely sit down and watch for three hours if your roommate happens to have it on.

Listen now, thank me later. Canoeing is the most underrated sport in the Summer Olympics. You like skiing, where they criss-cross past obstacles? Try that shit in the water, rapids and all.

Although we're disappointed that Alex Honnold—a.k.a., the guy who brought climbing to the mainstream—won't be competing in Tokyo, we've been craving more of the sport since Free Solo.

The equestrian events have a lot going for 'em this year. First of all, Team USA has a bonafide star to watch in Jessica Springsteen (daughter of The Boss). More importantly, the horses have more clout than ever. Over 300 horses flew to Tokyo in cargo planes, with virtually first-class service. I'm sure that's better than your last run with Spirit.

Badminton is one of the most aspirational Olympic sports. It's something you could totally do! You played it at your cousin's place that one time! Which makes it fun to watch. Right? No. Mary Carillo says NO.

Table tennis—or ping-pong, as the plebes call it—is another aspirational event for us once-every-four-years fans of the sport. This is another one you can do! Go to Dave & Buster's and hustle the shit out of every 10-year-old in the joint. Just make sure you do that thing where you track the ball with your head like a psychopath during every serve.

Swords? Duels? Scary helmets? Sick uniforms? Where you lose if you get hit in the face? There's not much more you could reasonably ask for in an Olympic event.

I don't care that we don't totally know what to expect from skateboarding's grand debut in this year's Games. Skateboarding is inherently cool. And if you don't agree, chug a Red Bull, buy $200 worth of the baggiest T-shirts you can find at your local PacSun, and start acting like you're the fifth member of the Rocket Power crew.

Swimming will always be a must-watch event when you have once-in-a-lifetime athletes like Katie Ledecky jumping into the pool. (The sport would be number one on this list if she was willing to recreate her chocolate milk stunt on the world's biggest stage.)

Just like events like the triathlon hurt to watch because its participants are hurting, volleyball is a blast to watch because everyone seems to be having a good ol' time. Specifically, beach volleyball, which is a game best played with a six-pack sitting outside the lines. The game's stuffed with high-fives, teamwork, diving, scrapping, and cool shades—essentially Top Gun IRL. What's not to love?

I genuinely couldn't tell you why—though I'll try to—but water polo is cool as hell. It's a never-not-chaotic scrum for a big volleyball in a swimming pool. There's genuine anxiety whenever the players dip underwater, but there are cameras down there that make you feel like you're watching a deep-sea diving IMAX documentary. It's one of the best I'll-have-it-on-in-the-background-while-I'm doing chores watches as you'll ever get, which qualifies for Olympic gold in my book.

There's a reason why Usain Bolt, Carl Lewis, and Allyson Felix are household names. We've been watching track and field events literally since ancient times, when jacked Greek dudes ran in a straight line and people would cheer. Shot put, javelin throwing, sprinting, the long jump—it's all as timeless as sport itself.

Like its biggest star, Simone Biles, gymnastics is the GOAT. The showstopper. The primetime event. The sport where celebrities are made. Whether it's rhythmic gymnastics, the trampoline (!), or the one where the gymnasts swing around in circles on that big bar, this is the sport that genuinely sees the realization of human greatness.