Mindy Kaling Wants to "De-Stigmatize Asking For Help," Starting With Moms
In a country that constantly conflates motherhood with martyrdom, it's common for moms to feel too uncomfortable and too ashamed to ask for help. A number of studies have shown that finances and guilt keeps working moms from asking for support, even though moms feel overwhelmed by their many responsibilities. But at a time when moms are being disproportionally impacted by a pandemic that has left them shouldering even more household and child-rearing chores, actress, writer, and director Mindy Kaling is working to change all that and de-stigmatize moms asking for the help they need... and deserve.
"I used to feel guilty about admitting that I have a nanny," Kaling tells Woman's Day via phone. "But the truth is: I don’t have a husband; my mom is dead. People have not just financial resources but human resources in their home that help them do this [mom] thing. Family is what you decide it is, and for me my little family is my nanny, me, and my children."
On Sept. 3. The Mindy Project star gave birth to her second child, a son named Spencer, so on top of caring for her daughter Katherine and working from home, she has been adjusting to life as a mom of two. And like any adjustment period, it hasn't been easy, especially in the midst of the ongoing COVID-19 crisis.
"It’s weird, it doesn’t just feel like I’ve just added 100% more children to my home. It feels like I’ve had six children to my home," Kaling laughs. "I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a single mom or something but I’m like, 'Whoa, there are a lot of kids running around my home!' I remember when I used to live here by myself and now it’s, like, full of people."
Which is why she has no problem admitting that she relies on others for help, especially when it means she can find the time to prioritize her wellness and practice self-care — an essential for anyone, but especially for a working single mom.
"I used to be this person that would kind of eye roll about the idea of self care or wellness or anything," Kaling admits. "But now that there’s a literal pandemic happening and I have a baby who has not had his shots yet, I really have to depend on the resources around me."
One of those resources is Kaling's My Walgreens app. Recently, Kaling partnered with Walgreens to promote the app, which allows customers to order items for fast and safe curb-side pick-up.
"The thing about me and different partnerships is that I really try to only do anything that really makes sense for my life," Kaling says. "I can use [the app] to pick up stuff for either me or my daughter or my son — whether it’s diapers or cough medicine or toys — and literally I can just order it, drive to Walgreens, and in 30 minutes it’s ready. That, to me, is great because it’s not like ordering packages to the house where, first of all, it takes a couple of days and also it’s endless packaging which just makes me feel so guilty about the environment. I mean, we all have to do it, but when I have to open up a huge box to get a toothbrush that doesn't make me feel great."
Kaling also depends on her nanny and baby nurse, both of whom helped her when she gave birth to her daughter in 2017. Now that Kaling is working from home, she does admit that it has been somewhat easier to care for her son in-between work meetings and whatnot — something she does not take for granted.
"We’re in such a dreadful time and with the current spike is awful. But I have to say, having a baby during it has been wonderful," she says. "It feels like almost everyone is on maternity leave. I love that I can be in comfy clothes all the time I don’t have to be glammed up so I can just focus on my kid. Cutting out the travel time to get to work meetings has meant that I can sleep more in between feeding my son.'
But Kaling has also found it more difficult to establish boundaries and focus solely on work — something that can make it difficult to stave off the ever-present mom guilt but something she actively refuses to beat herself up over.
"The 'mother is martyr' thing is huge and it’s a pressure that we get from the outside world but also that we put on ourselves," she explains. "For me, I am a single mom. I am the breadwinner. I don’t come from a super wealthy family and I don’t have a rich husband, so I have to make money. So I take the pressure off and the stigma off this idea that I shouldn’t enjoy making money at this job that I love, you know? And if I have to choose that over spending time with my children, well, that’s what husbands have done since the beginning of time. I refuse to feel guilty about doing that."
Kaling also cites how hard and often her mom, who died of pancreatic cancer in 2012, worked when she was a child as a source of inspiration and an example of why she shouldn't feel guilty for doing what she loves and relying on others in order to work and care for her children.
"I feel really lucky because my mom was an OBGYN — she worked constantly," she explains. "Kids can have lot of different reactions to a mom who works like that and has to leave in the middle of Thanksgiving occasionally and can’t come to the school recital. And my reaction to it was that I thought she was incredibly glamorous and busy and I admired it."
"I can only emulate what I know," she continues, "which is to work and do something I love doing so that [my kids] aren't like, 'Oh, mom works so hard and complains about it all the time and hates it.' I just focus on the things I can control and hope that they’ll take it the same way that I took it with my mother. "
Whether it's handing her kids off to her nanny so she can focus on her many projects, or relying on technology to help her shop safely, efficiently, sustainably, and from the comfort of her home, Kaling hopes to normalize moms asking for help whenever they need it and in whatever way works for them.
"I want to acknowledge my privilege — that I can pay a woman to help me come and do this," she says. "But I do think that a lot of women, particularly who don’t have my privilege, are beating themselves up for [admitting they need help], too. They go to work full-time, come home, and are still expected to be the mom who makes dinner and cleans up the whole house."
"Whether it’s family, friends of family, a babysitter, a nanny, a retired person in your neighborhood — because I’ve leaned on all these different people — who can help you raise your kids," she adds. "I would love to de-stigmatize asking for help."
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