Mediawatch special: Is it Piers Morgan or ‘woke wastrels’ threatening to destroy England victory?

·6-min read
Piers Morgan has his views on England Credit: PA Images
Piers Morgan has his views on England Credit: PA Images

Join us as a man tells us what ‘actual women’ are and why those ‘actual women’ are proud to be women again because of what the England women achieved. What a prick.


So you watched England win the European Championship with a performance of skill, grit and no little shit-housing. What’s your first thought?

If it’s this…

…then congratulations for you are Piers Morgan and you are a) rich but also b) a massive prick.

First, let’s address that headline. We appreciate that Morgan did not write it so our ire is directed towards whichever man did. A man? Can we assume that? God yes. Because no woman would ever write ‘female’ (massive red flag) and no woman has been wandering around not feeling proud to be a woman and waiting for a group of women they have never met to make them feel proud.

But who better to tell us what females/women actually think than a middle-aged man? If in doubt about how you feel or should feel, women of Britain, ask a man. Preferably a middle-aged man. Preferably a middle-aged, white, straight, middle-class man. He will know.

So has Morgan been sold a pup by the headline-writer? Has he balls. If anything, he wants to go further…

Who the f*** are these ‘biology-denying women-bashing woke wastrels’ who are threatening to destroy this great victory? Mediawatch has encountered only praise and positivity, but perhaps we have not been hanging out with woke wastrels. Which is odd because we do bloody love a woke wastrel.

So to the column itself. Strap in.

‘AMAZING, isn’t it?

‘All it took to stop the insane war on women was for a bunch of women to become the most successful footballers this country has produced since 1966.’

We hate to interrupt so quickly but where is this ‘insane war on women’ being waged? We know that some women are subjected to abuse, threats and subjugation by some men, but we didn’t know an actual war had been declared.

Obviously we are being facetious; we know that actually Morgan is referring to an entirely confected ‘war on women’ that is relevant to a tiny percentage of people in this country who are obsessed with the biology of women and the concept of self-identification. None of which is important to the vast majority of the population during a cost-of-living crisis and none of which – literally none of which – is relevant to the England women’s football team winning the European Championship.

‘Politicians who’ve persistently refused to say what a woman is, and who believe biological males should be allowed to compete as women against women in sport despite the obvious unfairness, moved faster than greyhounds out of traps yesterday to celebrate actual women winning a major international sporting trophy.’

It’s almost like they didn’t see the connection between two completely different things because THERE IS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

It’s almost like you can simultaneously support the rights of trans women and celebrate the achievements of cis women.

It’s almost like that’s the f***ing point of being on the side of women. All women.

‘It was only a few weeks ago that Sir Keir Starmer, leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, said he believes some women have penises.

‘But yesterday, he declared the Lionesses ‘have inspired a generation of women and girls’, adding: ‘My daughter and her friends have strong, successful role models in sport because of you. The entire nation is so proud.’

‘Wait a minute, Sir Keir.

‘Before you cynically lasso your virtue-signalling political rope to the Lionesses, why was there no mention in that tweet of the trans community?

‘Why did you not say these superstar Lionesses have inspired a generation of women, girls… AND women with penises?’

Because the women with penises are women, Piers. That’s the f***ing point. Do you feel excluded if people talk about men without adding ‘men without scruples or morals’? Do you feel unseen if people write about men without specifying ‘men who are gammons’?

‘Why would you be so ‘exclusionary’ to trans people at this moment of national historical significance?

‘Of course, we know why; he’d have destroyed any chance he has of ever running the country because most Britons do not believe women have penises and think sex is an immutable biological fact not the arbitrary whim of whoever wants to stick their hand up and claim to be a woman.’

At this point we would like to remind you that this is Morgan’s reaction to England’s women winning the European Championship. Hands up if you think ‘woke wastrels’ are the biggest threat to their victory being celebrated. Nobody? None of you?

Morgan then goes on a whistle-stop tour through other politicians who dared to congratulate England’s ‘actual women’ on their achievements while still supporting the rights of trans women.

We’ll save you all the details but it’s all absolute shit, and involves him wondering why Women’s Hour is not called Men’s Hour. That’s the level.

‘But aside from restoring huge pride in the country and uniting us like nothing else has done since the 2012 Olympics, they’ve also restored pride in being female.’

It’s actually quite difficult to read that sentence without wanting to commit an act of actual physical violence on the man.

Of all the women Mediawatch has met either physically or on social media since Sunday – and we suspect we know more ‘actual women’ than Morgan – not one has spoken of their pride at being a woman as being ‘restored’. Funny that. Because it’s absolute hogwash. And it’s absolute hogwash that we are sure would be dismissed by Chloe Kelly, Sarina Wiegman and every other woman (and man) behind that phenomenal victory.

‘Let’s not forget there has been a growing movement to erase the use of the word ‘girl’ at even girls’ schools, and ‘women’ in medical guidelines.

‘If we let the woke wastrels win, then all such gender-specific language will be eradicated, trans athletes will destroy women’s sport, women’s health and safety will be compromised, and ultimately, women will lose right when they’ve begun to win so spectacularly.’

No they won’t. And maybe let women be the arbiters of what it means to be a woman. Crazy idea, right?

‘The Lionesses are the best women to ever play football for England, but none of them would get anywhere near a Premier League squad because they don’t have the strength, power or speed of top male footballers.

‘However, as they showed yesterday, when competing against other biological women on a fair playing field, they’re world-beaters.

‘That’s why sex and biology matters.

‘Today is a day to celebrate women and everything they represent, and to do so without fear of being branded transphobic.

‘Congratulations ladies!’

Nope. It was not ‘a day to celebrate women and everything they represent’; it was a day to celebrate this particular set of women. If England’s men had won the penalty shoot-out to beat Italy last year, it would not have been ‘a day to celebrate men and everything they represent’. It’s patronising bollocks.

You absolutely could have celebrated their achievement without fear of being branded transphobic if you had actually celebrated their achievement without being transphobic. Pretty much every f***er else has pulled it off.

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