'Marry, have kids, and be obedient wives': Three Malaysian women on the pressure of turning thirty

The significant 3-0 is a milestone that should be celebrated. It's a turning point that brings its own set of unique opportunities, challenges, and rewards.

However, for many women, something shifts at this point, a shift that feeds off of external expectations from family and society, personal frustrations, and a desire for stability.

While I agree that Malaysian women are now given more significant career opportunities and seen entering the political arena, the reality is that the gender gap remains.

Recently, this gap was highlighted when Malaysian women demanded equal rights to confer citizenship on their children automatically.

And so, while we've come a long way, the role of a woman in Malaysia and social expectations of when they turn 30 is still very much rooted in traditional and cultural values.

Personally, I have always enjoyed celebrating birthdays, but my 29th was different. That’s when anxiety hit me like a brick because all of a sudden I had one year to accomplish everything I wanted to do in my 20s before turning 30.

I didn’t realise back then, that a lot of women feel the same way at that age and it wasn't until recently, when a friend of mine talked about the social pressure women experience in their late 20s and early 30s that I realised I wasn’t alone.

So I decided to talk to three women about how they feel turning 30, and how they are balancing traditional values and modern culture as they approach that age.

Sarah, content analyst, age 30

"When I got to 29, I started putting a lot of pressure on myself, since I hadn't accomplished nearly as much as I thought I should have. There are some milestones in life that others will assume you have already accomplished, and I felt I needed to do that before turning 30.

"My relatives kept asking me about my dating life and marriage, but dating is much more complicated now. I don't think I want to get married until I am at least 35! When I finally turned 30, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. I realised things will happen in their own time.

"Things are different now, dating is different, the way we communicate is different, and there are more opportunities for women, so I will continue to focus on myself and educate others about the value women bring to society other than just being wives and raising children."

Sheena, intern manager, age 29

"I feel like there are a lot of expectations for women who are turning 30 and it comes from all directions! Our elders want us to marry, have kids, and be obedient wives. At the same time our peers and the modern society put pressure on us to be strong independent women who are not shaken by the above traditional expectations.

"But I think if people, both men and women, are more compassionate and understand what we as women want to choose, it will help a lot. I try to live life by the day and not care what others think but sometimes it's hard when "it's constantly in your face" wherever you turn.

"I hope one day, people will accept that women's needs change at different stages of their lives. We may not want kids now in our 30s, and maybe we will want them in our 40s, or we don't want to have kids at all and that is okay!"

Mei Thin, pre-school teacher, age 27

"For me, the hardest part about entering my 30s, and getting older in general, is that every choice I make begins to mean more. The effect of these decisions is stronger than when I was younger, and so I have to think twice when making an important decision.

"Also, I come from a traditional family that expects me to be financially stable and start a family by the time I am 30. While I will be ready to get married and settle down at 30, I am also okay if that doesn't happen, and I always tell my family wouldn't they rather see me single and happy then married to the wrong person?

"These conversations with them are difficult sometimes, but they keep me sane and remind me that I am my own person and a grown adult and that it’s 2022 times have changed. I respect my family but won't let anyone pressure me into a marriage or job I do not want."

How to deal with turning 30

If you have set a deadline for yourself and are worried that you won't be able to achieve it, one way to restore your sense of serenity and optimism is to think about the things you fear the most.

If you're worried about your relationship with your family or want to feel accepted by society, investigating why you don't feel they accept you in your current state can help.

You might find that you're actually okay with the way your life is going. The 30th year of a woman's life should be a time of reflection and celebration, and I sincerely hope that for all the women out there, it is.

Huda Hekmat is an educator, content writer, and Jiu-Jitsu practitioner. She is currently doing her masters in Educational Psychology. When she isn't teaching, writing, or trying to armbar her fellow gym mates, you can find her reading a thriller, watching a stand-up comedy, or on the hunt to find the best nasi lemak in KL. All thoughts are the writer's own.

Do you have a story tip? Email: malaysia.newsroom@yahooinc.com.

You can also follow us on Facebook, TikTok and Twitter. Also check out our Southeast Asia, Food, and Gaming channels on YouTube.