TV star Joshua Patterson says running 'saved his life'

Having suffered from depression and anxiety all his life, feeling suicidal at times, mentor, coach and Made in Chelsea star, Joshua Patterson, 33, is on a mission to change perceptions of mental illness and has a new book out to help others. Now also an athlete, last year, he broke a world record by running 76 marathons in 76 cities on 76 consecutive days to raise £1m for the Samaritans. Here, he shares his story...

Mental illness is something I've come to accept I'll live with for the rest of my life. I've been very fortunate not to have depression for a long time now, but anxiety is something that cripples me every single day.

I first struggled with mental illness aged 13, when my parents’ marriage broke down. I was trying to play the mediator, stopping arguments breaking out but that came with a price, which was my own mental health.

I was on edge constantly, unable to function and not knowing what was happening to me. Back then, I had no idea what mental illness was, let alone how to cope with it. It was just this unknown feeling of being totally and utterly anxious and alone. I was suicidal.

Seeing a therapist then was a game-changer. Knowing there were solutions, and that what I was feeling was normal, made me feel sane.

I talk about my parents’ marriage breakdown in my book, because I believe it’s really important for parents to understand the impact their relationship has on the child and to show a united front no matter the circumstances.

Now I'm a parent myself (to daughter India, six) I am so aware of what she's exposed to, and committed to ensuring she has the happiest upbringing possible.

Reaching rock bottom

The next real low point I experienced was during my early twenties. I'd come back from Northern Ireland, after having given up on my rugby dream, and felt utterly lost.

I’d always been this big rugby lad and suddenly, I lost loads of weight and would sleep all day. I became irritable and sensitive to everything because I felt so angry at being in this position, and not knowing what to do about it.

I’d wake up feeling there was absolutely no purpose or meaning to life, so the only option seemed to be giving up and I did contemplate suicide again.

My parents had no idea what was going on. They just saw their son breaking down. My dad's a very loving guy, but he came from a tough background, and for him, mental illness didn't exist. It’s almost taken him being educated through my journey, to process what he's gone through in his own life.

Me speaking so publicly about my own mental health struggles has enabled friends – especially my male friends who found it so hard to communicate – to open up to me, and I am very proud of that.

Finding hope

My dad saw me falling apart. He knew I needed something to get up for. He ran a successful property business and so he was like, "I want you on site, but it’s not going to be this scenario where the boss’s son walks into a senior position. You’re going to be a labourer, you're just going to move concrete blocks and make tea."

And that probably saved my life, because I was exposed to older and wiser shoulders and it made me have thicker skin.

I also have my dad to thank for Made in Chelsea. I wasn't going to do it. It didn’t interest me. But my dad was like, listen, "You've got two options: either I sack you and you have no job, or you take this, and potentially get one."

And so, I went for Made in Chelsea and it opened doors which I am eternally grateful for. When you're on reality TV, there’s a lot of controversy – it’s not the healthiest environment. I wasn't suffering from depression by that point (2015) though, and had a much wiser head.

I didn't care about fame or validation from the public, I just wanted a platform to build the passions I had and that’s what I hope I have done.

My daughter India came at a time (she was born in June 2017), when I was vulnerable, because it was so unexpected and I didn't know how I was going to cope [her mother is his ex-partner Binky Felstead from Made In Chelsea].

But now I see it was the greatest gift, because it changed my life. I've achieved more since India was born, than any year before that. Being a dad has given me purpose and meaning. I just want to be the best possible role model I can be for her.

My best friend's accident

The physical and mental challenges and the running, started just after India was born.

In fact, my best friend Tano had been to visit India as a newborn when he had a motorbike accident on his way home and was told he'd never walk again.

He asked if I would do the 2018 Berlin marathon with him in a wheelchair, to help him get through this darkest time. That was the catalyst for basically spending two years doing various fundraising challenges in a wheelchair for the spinal community.

These included the marathon, and also John O’Groats to Lands’ End. I became the first able-bodied person to do a marathon in a wheelchair.

Using a wheelchair

I would spend as much time as possible in the wheelchair, around the house, training in it and commuting to and from work. It taught me so much about the adversity that disabled people go through every single day and about access issues. It built so much empathy.

Then after two years, my body started to get damaged by being in a chair because it wasn’t a natural position for me to be in, so that was when I started running.

Running felt like a sport where I could get anyone involved and now it’s become my life, my career and my passion. I have done various challenges, the latest being 76 marathons on 76 consecutive days in every one of the 76 cities in the UK.

Running marathons in 76 cities

The whole logic behind running the 76, was to help as many people around the UK as possible gain access to mental health support.

There are pockets within each county, within each city that are so heavily neglected. The fact that I – as a privileged person – have been able to access resources like therapy when I’ve needed it when there are people out there at breaking point that cannot, is unacceptable to me.

So, my aim is to utilise my position of privilege to help those people through the hardest times of their lives.

I worked with the charity Samaritans, raising money for their call centres which they have in every single city in the UK.

So, it meant that every penny we raised would benefit the entirety of the UK. There wasn't going to be a north/south divide, or benefitting England but not Wales.

Exercise has helped me so many times. I haven’t gone into every one of these marathons mentally strong and yet every time, running has recalibrated me.

If I didn't have fitness in my life, I wouldn't be on this planet. Running keeps me sane. It has saved my life.

And I think the blessing is that I have connected running with my passion for helping people, so there’s a purpose to every challenge.

I hope that by seeing what someone living with anxiety can achieve, helps people reframe their own narrative about mental health.

Sharing my emotions

When I was doing the 76 marathons last year, I actually tore my right calf, which prevented me from being able to run on that particular day.

That gave me the opportunity to reflect on trauma I'd been through. I talked about it publicly on my socials and the knock-on effect that had for men in particular, coming to me, opening up about their emotional struggles, was amazing.

I think me showing emotion changed people’s views – and my own – on what weakness and strength was. Because ordinarily, when a man cries, he's seen as weak. But when you've got a guy who has run 40/50 consecutive marathons, nobody can call that man ‘weak’.

That’s what my book is about too: the strength in vulnerability. I get emotional when I'm looking at the book now, because I feel like if that book was given to me when I was at my rock bottom, in my early twenties, it could have changed my life.

That is what I am ultimately hoping to achieve when someone picks it up: that it will improve, change or even save their life.

Joshua's book Fortune Favours the Brave: 76 Short Lessons on Finding Strength in Vulnerability is out now.

His best friend Tano is now able to walk again using crutches.