I waited until I was 42 and married to lose my virginity

Hembadoon Uvah, 42, a tax administrator from London, didn't have sex until she got married in May 2024. She now lives with her husband, Akanimo, 44, in Nigeria. Here, she talks about how losing her virginity later in life was worth the wait.

From a young age, I was told there should be no sex before marriage. As I was brought up in a religious tradition, it was a belief strongly held by my mother and one that she instilled in not just me, but my three brothers as well. Although my father was more laid-back on the subject of premarital sex, I made the decision early to hang on to my virginity until I found a man who would be with me forever.

Hearing family friends in their 20s talk about the women they'd slept with, and saying horrible things about them, only strengthened my resolve. What they said was disrespectful and I hated the thought of anyone talking about me that way.

When I was 23, I met my first boyfriend, Peter*, 24. One night, after we'd been together a month, he leaned his body into mine as he was kissing me goodnight and it was the first time I'd ever felt an erection. Then he slipped his hand underneath my skirt. I told him to stop because I didn’t want to throw away my virginity. Initially, he was surprised. But then he said he loved me so much he’d wait until I was ready.

Boyfriends' reactions

Peter and I dated on and off for four years. Yet every time we were alone together he'd try to seduce me. It was frustrating as he wasn't sticking to his promise. Then one night I showed up at his flat unannounced and caught him with another woman. Although I'd suspected he was seeing someone else on the side, I felt foolish for having trusted him.

Shortly after, I met James*, 30, who laughed at me when I told him I'd never had sex. He thought I was joking. To add insult to injury, he admitted having a problem with virgins as he said they didn’t know anything about sex – and he loved sex. I ended the relationship because I didn’t want to be another notch on his bedpost.

In 2009, I met Paul*, 28, and thought I’d found 'the one', the man I would one day lose my virginity to. He was gorgeous and respected that I was a virgin. He even encouraged me to hold on to my virginity until I was ready. I’d relive our dates and embraces, and think about what it would be like to have sex with him.

It sounds weird, but the fact that I liked him so much made me even more afraid of losing my virginity. I’d built it up to the point that I was terrified he’d dump me after sex and break my heart. My previous two relationships hadn’t given me much faith in men – the first betrayed me and the second was rude. Despite the fact that I was falling for him, I called it quits after two months.

For the longest time, I felt there was a stigma around being a virgin. Some men would head for the hills when I told them I'd never been intimate with a man. They lacked patience, saying they couldn't be bothered to teach me what to do or how to act in bed. Their ignorance only showed that they weren't meant for me.

Discovering my sensuality

When I saw people on TV or in film having sex I could feel myself getting aroused – I'm only human. Once, out of curiosity, I clicked on a porn site. Immediately, I felt turned on so from then on I steered clear of those websites as I didn't want to be tempted to have sex with the next man I dated.

After graduating from Kingston University in 2012, I moved to Nigeria where my parents now lived in order to be closer to my father who had become ill.

A lot of my girlfriends, most of whom had a similar upbringing, were already married and having sex. It was hard for me to relate and I'd often feel as if we had nothing in common. They even said they felt uncomfortable opening up to me because they didn't think I'd understand. It made me sad. These were my friends and I wanted more than anything for us to be able to bond over our experiences.

The idea of having sex for the first time scared me. I'd read that the longer you wait, the more painful it is when the hymen tears. Also, a friend told me that, during her first year of marriage, penetration hurt so much that she had to see a doctor. I thought sex was supposed to be enjoyable. To put my mind at ease, I researched online and found out that using a lubricant during intercourse can help reduce discomfort. Knowing I could take precautions like that took away some of my fear.

Hoping to meet The One

In 2021, my father passed away. We were extremely close and I'd always imagined him walking me down the aisle. At the same time, my 40th birthday was fast approaching and here I was still a virgin. It seemed the longer I put it off, the more perfect I wanted it to be. But there were days too when I just wanted to give up. My friends were great, reminding me that it would happen and to keep the faith.

Then in 2023, I met Akanimo, 44. I'd seen him around the office and thought he was well-dressed. He asked me out and, over dinner, I fell for his beautiful brown eyes. There was also an instant connection. We both believed in the power of kindness, helping the poor, as well as being generous without expecting anything in return. Also, like me, he loved animals. If he was shocked that, at the age of 42, I was still a virgin, he didn't let on.

Worth the wait

Three weeks later, Akanimo proposed with roses and a silver engagement ring. And on 25 May 2024 we got married in a church in front of 400 guests. It was the happiest day of my life. After we'd exchanged vows, and he lifted my veil to give me a kiss, I thanked God for having brought us together.

We spent our honeymoon at a hotel in Abuja, Nigeria, and, the second night, we had sex. I was so nervous despite having started doing Kegel exercises to help me relax. To my surprise, it wasn't painful. But Akanimo was so loving, careful and understanding. He made me glad that I'd waited this long to lose my virginity because sex, I realise, is the most intimate act two people can share. I didn't expect to have an orgasm – and I didn't have one – but I'm still learning about my body.

Although I don't believe in forcing someone else's beliefs onto other people, should I ever have children of my own, and I hope I do, I would encourage them to wait for as long as possible before having sex. Or at least until they've found a partner they can trust.

For me, all those years saving myself for the man with whom I would one day spend the rest of my life with were worth it. Because in Akanimo, I've not only found a supportive husband but a best friend. He makes me feel safe. Even more reason for me to believe that good things truly do come to those who wait.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Read more

When's the 'right' time to lose your virginity? (Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read)

My mother-in-law tried to cancel our wedding – then turned up in a white dress and veil (Yahoo Life UK, 10-min read)

Experts reveal the 'perfect age' to tie the knot to avoid the chance of divorce (Yahoo Life UK, 3-min read)