I Know All About My Husband's Work Crush—and I'm Cool With It
My husband has a work crush. I know that she likes his cologne and the blue shirt he wears for important meetings, and that he not only enjoys her appreciation of those details, but that he’s noticed a few specifics about her as well. I know she’s dark-haired (like me), pretty (okay, also like me) and perky (not at all like me). I know these bits of information because he’s shared them with me-and because this is the latest in a long string of crushes that, ultimately, stoke our relationship.
People get weird about wandering eyes, acting as if investigating is next-door to cheating. “Why look elsewhere?” they huff. “Am I not enough?” I’m sure you are. However, while looking elsewhere might feel threatening, I’ve long believed that window shopping benefits, both directly and indirectly, our relationship’s long-term health.
As it turns out, that’s because it does. Dr. Jennifer Gutmann, clinical psychologist and author of A Path to Sustainable Life Satisfaction Workbook, says admiring someone else’s, um, assets can help to keep relationships healthy in three big ways.
It can be a wake-up call or reminder of the good thing you’ve got going already.
According to Dr. Guttman, “Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the negative qualities in our partners and then be tempted to look at the positives in other people.” That’s why, instead of dwelling on what looks good elsewhere, she suggests turning that intense focus inward and “looking at what qualities other people may not have.” If you’re checking out the hot yogi next to you in class, think about whether they have your partner’s sense of humor or skill in bed. As attractive as they may be, it’s unlikely to be paired with a shared love of Monty Python or an innate understanding of what turns you on.
It's a reminder to take care of what you have now.
You know how people say the grass is always greener on the other side? Fantasies can be awesome, but at the end of the day, that person you're admiring on the other side of the fence is still flawed and human. As Dr. Guttman explains, it’s easy to find excitement in newness-it just tends to fade once there’s familiarity. Instead, look at your curiosity as a reminder to take care of the grass you have already.
“Just because something new is appealing, it doesn’t mean that, [with nurturing], the original relationship can’t blossom into something new and shiny again,” she says. Often, that nurturing comes from trying something new together and making the exciting freshness a shared experience, whether that's rock climbing or admitting a previously-hidden kink.
It's an opportunity for self-reflection.
Am I concerned about my husband's work crush? Nope. Her appreciation of his cologne reminds me that I think it’s hot, too.
“Sometimes we grow to like different qualities in people as we learn more about ourselves, and sometimes the qualities we like stay the same,” Dr. Guttman observes. If you can't help noticing a colleague's ruthless negotiating tactics, ask yourself if your significant other actually lacks that trait, or if, as Dr. Guttman puts it, “you’ve just stopped 'seeing' it.” Maybe it’s just buried in familiarity.
I know what that blue shirt looks like on my husband-hell, I bought it. So it's possible that I just haven't actively noticed it in a while. How to fix that problem? When he wore the shirt again, I told him I couldn't wait to take it off him that night.
The bottom line?
So, am I concerned about my husband's work crush? Nope. Her appreciation of his cologne reminds me that I think it’s hot, too.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a casual look around, seeing someone interesting, and wondering what’s underneath those clothes or what the person might do when they're out of them. A minute or two of imaginative wonder can bring some excitement-or even just a necessary reality check-to an established relationship, which occasionally risks falling victim to the inertia of routines.
Just remember though, that if you’re indulging in some fantasy field-tripping, you’ll need to cut your partner some slack if you catch her doing the same. The fact of the matter is, I remember a certain very handsome gentleman I spotted on a train from Rome, and another whose sexy accent livened up my workdays for several months. Did I have some diverting thoughts? Sure. But that's all they were-thoughts. So long as we keep thoughts and actions clearly separated, there's no reason for us not to both enjoy the benefits of some extra-marital sightseeing.
*This author is using a pseudonym to allow them to write freely on private matters.
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