How to support a friend facing gaslighting in a relationship

In 2022, Merriam-Webster proclaimed “gaslighting” as the word of the year after seeing a staggering 1,740 per cent increase in searches on their website.

Interestingly, its choice for word of the year in 2023 is somewhat connected to gaslighting – "authentic" – especially when the line between “real” and “fake” has become increasingly blurred with the rise of AI (artificial intelligence), and its impact on deepfake videos, disinformation and misinformation.

But what is gaslighting, exactly?

What is gaslighting

Gaslighting, as defined by the dictionary publisher, is a “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

Many believe the term "gaslighting" originates from the 1944 film "Gaslight," where a husband torments his wife into doubting her sanity.

Today, gaslighting is recognised as a form of emotional abuse where one person systematically undermines the other's perception of reality.

Recognising the signs and knowing how to help a loved one escape the clutches of gaslighting in a relationship is crucial for fostering a supportive environment.

Spotting the signs of gaslighting

1. Denial and blame shifting

Gaslighters often deny their actions and shift the blame onto the victim. They may say things like, "I never said that," or "You're imagining things." This can leave the victim feeling confused and questioning their own memory.

2. Trivialising and belittling

Gaslighters downplay the victim's feelings or concerns, making them feel insignificant. They may say things like, "You're too sensitive" or "You're overreacting," invalidating the victim's emotions.

3. Projection

Gaslighters project their own negative traits onto the victim, making them believe they are the one with the problem. Take this scenario for example:

Sarah and Alex have been in a relationship for several months. Lately, Sarah has noticed that Alex frequently comes home late and seems distant. When she brings it up, Alex becomes defensive and accuses Sarah of being overly controlling and paranoid.

In this situation, Alex is projecting his own guilt, feelings of avoidance and potentially unfaithful behaviour onto Sarah. He shifts the focus away from his actions and makes Sarah question the validity of her concerns.

4. Isolation

Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for the victim to seek support or validation outside the toxic relationship. This isolation reinforces the gaslighter's control.

5. Twisting the truth

Gaslighters manipulate facts and events to suit their narrative, causing the victim to question their own reality. This tactic is aimed at creating confusion and dependency on the gaslighter for a sense of clarity. Take the following scenario for example:

Sarah has been dating Alex for three years, and they've always celebrated their anniversary with a special dinner. This year, Alex forgets the date entirely and fails to make any plans. When Sarah expresses her disappointment, Alex employs the tactic of twisting the truth to deflect responsibility.

Alex, with a dismissive tone, says, "You're being overly dramatic. We never really made a big deal about our anniversary before. You must be remembering it wrong."

In truth, celebrating their anniversary was a significant tradition for Sarah and Alex. Alex’s failure to acknowledge their special day hurt Sarah, leading her to express her feelings. By twisting the truth and downplaying the significance of the anniversary, Alex is attempting to make Sarah question her own memory and the importance of their shared traditions.

This manipulation tactic serves to invalidate Sarah's emotions, making her feel like she is overreacting or being unreasonable. Over time, this pattern of twisting the truth can lead the victim to doubt their own perceptions, creating a sense of dependence on the gaslighter for an accurate interpretation of reality.

How to help a loved one who is being gaslit

1. Educate

Begin by gently explaining the concept of gaslighting to your friend. Share articles or videos from reputable sources, providing them with valuable insights into recognising and understanding gaslighting.

2. Listen and validate

Create a safe space for your friend to express their feelings. Affirm that their emotions are valid and that they deserve respect and understanding.

3. Encourage professional help

While you can offer a listening ear, it may be useful for your friend to seek guidance from an impartial third party, especially a therapist or counsellor who is experienced in dealing with toxic relationships and emotional abuse.

4. Help them develop a safety plan

Collaborate with your friend to create a safety plan tailored to their specific situation. The plan should include steps to ensure their physical and emotional wellbeing during and after leaving the relationship.

5. Stay connected

Gaslighters often isolate their victims, so maintaining a strong support system is crucial. Encourage your friend to stay connected with friends and family, reinforcing a network of people who can offer emotional support.

Gaslighting is a destructive form of emotional abuse that can leave lasting scars on its victims. As a friend, it is essential to be vigilant, educate yourself about gaslighting and provide unwavering support. By understanding the signs and offering resources for professional help, you can empower your friend to break free from the shackles of gaslighting and reclaim their sense of self.

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