EPL TALK: Never mind socks, give United new Saudis for X'mas
WITH the festive season upon us, here's my wish-list for football gifts. It’s about as serious as Wolves’ title chances.
1. A stormtrooper cameo in a Star Wars movie for Darwin Nunez
Stormtroopers can’t shoot straight either.
2. A Champions League final for Pep Guardiola
Earlier this week, the Manchester City manager declared that his City reign was “not complete” without a Champions League trophy, which sounded like Donald Trump saying his career was “not complete” until he’d slept with another Miss Universe.
Nothing is ever enough with these guys.
But really, we all want Guardiola to reach another final for the same reason.
He goes nuts. His tactical acumen is reduced to the level of that uncle who screams “referee kayu” whenever the scoreline doesn’t match his betting slip.
Should City reach the big one, it’s hard not to picture Guardiola rubbing his hands together and crying, “Ederson up front! They’ll never see it coming! He’s got a kick like a mule!”
3. A baton for defenders
Just to make it a fairer fight against Erling Haaland. But really, just to see if he even notices. One suspects he’ll react like Christopher Reeve in Superman II, feeling nothing and turning to see a baton-wielding defender. Crying.
4. New Saudi owners for Manchester United
No one really wants this wish to come true. Just as no one really wants a pair of socks for Christmas. But it’s entertaining to watch the recipient squirm, pretending that it’s just the gift he was hoping for. Having a club owned by a country with one of the worst human rights record was actually what the Red Devils always wanted!
Compared to those who may come after, Manchester United’s current owners, the Glazers, may end up looking like the von Trapp family.
In case you’re not familiar with their story, there were loads of songs and they were constantly surrounded by angry people.
In the other story, the von Trapps hid from the Nazis.
United’s long-suffering supporters could end up missing the Glazers, in the way the rest of us miss an irritable bowel.
Still, should United be sold to an oil-soaked sovereign fund, prepare for the biggest about-turn since an iceberg kissed the Titanic.
Expect online comments to go from “I would turn my back on this club forever if they were bought by those barbaric...” to “Yeah, but, they haven’t actually executed anyone for ages, have they? Let’s buy Mbappe!”
5. Paracetamol for Newcastle supporters
All that dizzying whataboutery may cause headaches. Keep an extra box on standby for Manchester United fans.
6. A SATNAV for Declan Rice
If England’s outstanding midfielder asks a SATNAV (satellite navigation) to drive him to a better club than West Ham, he could end up in Liverpool, Manchester, Madrid or Barcelona.
Then again, if he asks a SATNAV to drive him to a better London club than West Ham, he’ll end up at Leyton Orient.
7. Sick bags for Tottenham players
Spurs had 11 players at the World Cup. The masked Son Heung-min looked like the Phantom of the Opera. He also played like him. While Harry Kane’s penalty shot is expected to reach Mars before Elon Mask. They’re exhausted. And Antonio Conte is waiting. There will be vomit.
8. Altitude sickness pills for Arsenal
Apparently, they help with the descent.
9. A boxing hero for Bournemouth aunties
The strangest EPL story of late was actor Michael B. Jordan buying a stake in Bournemouth.
Jordan plays heavyweight boxer Adonis Creed in the Creed franchise. In those movies, he hung out with an old man. If he hangs out in Bournemouth, he’ll do the same.
Jordan won’t have Rocky Balboa for company, just lots of old people asking him to speak up.
Bournemouth is an English seaside haven for retirees, where street signs need bigger fonts.
The thought of the muscle-bulging Jordan running past aunties and their shopping trolleys is almost too good to be true, not so much Eye of the Tiger as eye of the cougar.
10. A dollar for every striker linked with Chelsea
I’ll be able to stop working by the end of January. Graham Potter will probably do the same.
11. An obscene gesture at every Villa game
Yes, it’s childish. But we’d all appreciate it if Aston Villa’s goalkeeper, Emi Martinez, could wiggle his Golden Glove trophy in front of his wedding tackle every time he makes a save.
If that’s a tad excessive, we’ll settle for brief performances during post-match interviews. Just stand with manager Unai Emery and wave the golden bulge, Martinez, and then we’ll all have a “good eber-ning”.
12. A Salt Bae for the England team
Unlike Gareth Southgate, the Turkish butcher knows how to lift the World Cup.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning football writer and a best-selling author, who has covered the English Premier League since 2000 and has written 26 books.
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