What is love and what does it actually feel like?
What is love? We all talk about love a lot, but what actually is the definition of love? What does love really feel like? And how is love different from lust? Here are all the different ways that love can be defined, plus an expert explains exactly what love is.
What are the different types of love?
Love is an incredibly subjective thing, and within love itself there are a whole bunch of different kinds of love. There’s non-romantic platonic love between friends, love between family members, plus intense unconditional love. But, most often, when people talk about love they mean romantic love with a partner. The LGBTQ+ community shows that there are plenty of different forms of love. Lesbians are women that love other women, while gay men love other men, and bisexual people love people of more than one gender, while pansexual people love people of all genders. Some people are polyamorous, meaning they love multiple romantic partners at once, while others are aromantic and don't feel romantically attracted to other people at all. Meanwhile, a lot of people simply prefer to identify as queer. But at the end of the day, love is love.
What is the definition of love?
According to the dictionary, love is "an intense feeling of deep affection." Meanwhile, Urban Dictionary defines love as, "The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act."
"Loving someone is about accepting them for who they are," explains psychosexual & relationship therapist and psychotherapist Sarah Calvert, even the things that you might not necessarily like about them, such as how messy they are. Loving someone means even loving the mundanity of your day-to-day life together, and building a real commitment to the other person, Sarah explains.
Different people have different definitions and experiences of love, and everyone's different experiences of love is of course going to shape what love means to them. According to Anya*, age 20, who is engaged in a long-distance relationship, "Love is a reciprocal interaction that needs to be displayed on both sides. It is an emotion however it comes after there’s trust, after there’s loyalty and after there’s commitment. So there’s a lot of sacrifice and a lot of responsibility."
How can you tell you’re in love?
“Being in love is associated with intense feelings of passion, infatuation, obsession and lust,” says Sarah. You can tell that you’re in love with somebody if you feel like you miss them all the time, feel a desperate need to be with them, or feel like you can’t concentrate on other things. However, love can also take up a lot of energy and feel very consuming, adds Sarah, and it may cause you to see an ‘idealised’ version of the other person, which is where the phrase ‘love is blind’ comes from.
What does love feel like?
There are plenty of physical reasons as to why you feel the way you do when you’re in love, whether that's excited, happy, or just a bit all over the place. “Being in love causes changes in our bodies as we release dopamine, the ‘feel good’ hormone, which gives us a sense of euphoria or pleasure,” explains Sarah. When we’re in love, our bodies also increase production of norepinephrine, adds Sarah, which makes your heart race and gives you extra energy, causing hyperactivity. “That’s why sometimes people 'in love' have a lower appetite and experience insomnia and restlessness,” Sarah explains, which is often referred to as being ‘love sick’.
"I think being in love means that you are connected with someone on all levels: physically, emotionally, spiritually," explains one Reddit user. It's the feeling that even though you just met them, you feel like you've known them your entire life."
What is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?
To make the whole concept of love even more complicated, you can love a person without being in love with them i.e. you love them but they don’t love you back (sadly). According to Sarah, “loving a person as opposed to being in love is calmer and less dramatic.” Plenty of books, films, poems and songs have been written about unrequited love, and anyone who’s been there will tell you it’s a painful experience.
What are the signs that someone loves you?
It's difficult to identify the signs that someone is in love with you. Sarah suggests looking out for the five love languages in your partner's behaviour. According to relationship expert Dr Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, the different ways that people show love are: words of affirmation, physical touch, sending gifts, quality time, and acts of service.
"It's important that both partners understand what makes each other feel loved," adds Sarah, especially if you have a mis-match in how you both express love.
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