"It's going to be living the rest of my life making amends because I took something that was really beautiful and I just tore it down year after year, day after day," said the actor
Dean McDermott is taking full accountability for the end of his 18-year marriage to Tori Spelling as he opens up about how his struggles with substance abuse slowly chipped away at their relationship.
McDermott announced his and Spelling's split in a June Instagram post — a decision he made while under the influence, he told the Daily Mail in a new interview. In fact, the post prompted Spelling to encourage her now-ex, who is currently sober, to seek treatment.
"All Tori's ever done to this day is want me to be happy and healthy and I inflicted a lot of damage and pain on that woman," McDermott acknowledged.
McDermott and the Beverly Hills, 90210 alum married on May 7, 2006, and renewed their vows on May 8, 2010. They share five children — daughters Stella Doreen, 15, Hattie Margaret, 12, and sons Liam Aaron, 16, Finn Davey, 11, and Beau Dean, 6.
In the nearly two decades since their wedding, McDermott said he fell deeper into alcohol and prescription drug abuse and publicly cheated on his spouse, despite the beginning of their romance being "a total fairytale."
"I mean, it was a beautiful love story," McDermott told the Daily Mail. "Love at first sight and getting married in the most beautiful way possible."
McDermott blamed part of the dissolution of their relationship on "Hollywood" and "all the s--- people gave us," also claiming his mother-in-law Candy Spelling was never supportive of their marriage.
Still, he said he's "taking accountability" for what ultimately happened in his marriage. "It's going to be living the rest of my life making amends because I took something that was really beautiful and I just tore it down year after year, day after day," admitted McDermott.
When things came to a head in June, McDermott claimed that he and Spelling were living mainly as "roommates" while he dealt with depression and his increasingly out-of-control substance abuse.
"'It made me feel worse because I knew I was a big part of [the problem] and I was at a place where I felt there was nothing I could do about it," he said.
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McDermott, who attended rehab over the summer, has not seen the couple's children since June and hopes to reunite with them — and Spelling — soon. He only has gushing words for his ex, and even is supportive as she moves on (Spelling was spotted kissing Ryan Cramer in early November).
"Tori as a person is a beautiful, kind and loving soul," McDermott explained, adding to the outlet, "She's generous to a fault. She puts everybody before herself, even to the detriment of her physical and mental health."
McDermott — who, too, has moved on and is dating Lily Calo — said he'll always love Spelling: "Life happens. It's tough having kids. It's tough living in this town, tough, having financial problems. It's just really tough. I'm not making excuses. I certainly had my hand in it in the dissolution of the relationship. But yeah, hasn't been easy. Nothing in life is easy."
This month, Spelling said on Instagram that she is focused on the future in a subtle nod to the split. "I believe in always looking forward and keeping your eye on the prize … But, this morning I took a pause for self reflection," she wrote. "It's important to look back once in awhile and remind yourself how far you’ve come and what a badass you truly are. #strength #liveinthemoment 🙋🏼♀️"
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please contact the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.
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