Could your child be a bully? Recognising the warning signs and taking action

KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 31 — The surge in bullying incidents across Malaysian schools last year, left many parents grappling with a fearful question: Is my child safe at school?

But there’s an equally important question that often goes unasked: What if my child is the bully?

In November last year, then Deputy Education Minister Lim Hui Ying said that bullying incidents at schools had spiked, with 4,994 cases recorded as of October 2023, compared to 3,887 cases in 2022.

National news agency Bernama reported her saying that the Ministry of Education (MoE) plans to increase the number of guidance and counselling teachers if cases of bullying at schools continue to persist and show a rising trend.

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Whilst most discussions around bullying focus on supporting victims, experts say it’s equally crucial for parents to recognise warning signs that their own child might be engaging in bullying behaviour.

These concerning patterns often originate in what should be the safest space for children: their home environment.

What are the early warning signs?

Solace Asia’s consultant psychologist Prem Kumar Shanmugam outlined these traits as a cause for concern: lack of empathy, lack of remorse, inability to express emotions and parenting styles.

“Bullying itself, there are characteristics which define such a tendency. The United Nations Children’s Fund (Unicef) has described it as intent, repetition and power.

“So when you bully, it is an intention to bully. It is also very cultural, and it is repetitive. It is not a one-off thing. I find a victim, I need a victim and then I bully.

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“Then finally it is about power. He or she is doing this to feel a sense of control or power,” Prem said, cautioning that these are not to be mistaken with follies of childhood.

How do we distinguish between normal childhood conflicts and bullying?

“Normal childhood will be, ‘Okay, I am scolded for something and the next day I am okay about it’. The best example would be sibling rivalry. ‘I argue with my brothers and sisters and my mother scolds me about it, and then I am okay about it.’

“That would be a normal childhood experience, which is part and parcel of growing up.

“But someone who is intentionally doing it will do it repetitively and want to do it repetitively, and this is abnormal.

“Empathy and remorse are most important because these are the first things you see. If we did something wrong, we feel sorry. We feel apologetic about it but someone who lacks such feeling won’t show it,” Prem said, adding that if this continues it can develop into narcissism and antisocial personality, which means that the said child would simply not have empathy for anything.

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Prem has over 20 years of experience in the fields of addiction and mental health treatments.

Solace Asia’s consultant psychologist Prem Kumar Shanmugam proposes regular open and honest communication between parents and children as the most effective tool of change, instead of immediate punitive measures. — Picture by Firdaus Latif
Solace Asia’s consultant psychologist Prem Kumar Shanmugam proposes regular open and honest communication between parents and children as the most effective tool of change, instead of immediate punitive measures. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

Solace Asia’s consultant psychologist Prem Kumar Shanmugam proposes regular open and honest communication between parents and children as the most effective tool of change, instead of immediate punitive measures. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

He is also a founding member and regional director of The Asia Pacific Certification Board (APCB), and actively consults and leads projects with Malaysian and foreign ministries to address addiction and mental health matters.

He is also a certified practitioner in the management of family violence counselling with the Youth and Sports Ministry.

Clinical psychologist Divaasini Devaraj and The Safe Harbour’s counsellor Benice Malini Samarasena echoed Prem’s sentiments, emphasising the harmful impact of both conscious and subconscious negative role modelling on children, which can lead them to internalise bullying as a pure power play.

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The experts concurred that a purely authoritarian parenting style which disregards the emotions of children is a recipe for disaster.

“Children, they role model as that is the first few things they understand on what to do. ‘Okay. I see how my parents are, so I follow.’

“But it is not necessarily as straightforward as that. It could be what we call a parenting style, and parenting style could be a few types. It could be authoritarian, which is what we mostly know of. A very rule based one with caning and others. Very rigid. Then there are the permissive ones, where whatever the child wants, it is given,” Divaasini said.

She explained that an authoritative parenting style focuses on exploring reasonable solutions with children.

In contrast, authoritarian parenting often creates a rigid environment where children feel powerless during crucial developmental stages.

This sense of powerlessness can lead them to seek control elsewhere, often asserting dominance among peers through bullying behaviours.

“This can also happen when parenting is very punishment based, where the cause is not addressed and the crime is constantly punished. Of course you know, guiding and dictating are two different things. I would say for parents it is difficult, it is a tricky line to thread. How do you guide your child without being so imposing, without being so rigid, without being so relaxed? I would say it is somewhat of a dance with your child. It really is.

“We speak a lot about parenting styles but at the core of it, the parent has to be healthy too. That is a very important part that gets neglected in the process,” she said.

Divaasini added that parents can assess their children’s emotional development by observing their behaviour in social situations and their reactions to unexpected events.

“Perhaps they wanted their birthday celebration to go a certain way and it did not, and they start shouting and throwing things without caring about the feelings of their parents. So that shows a lack of empathy,” she said, adding that it is also crucial to observe children’s interactions beyond a family unit.

Clinical psychologist Divaasini Devaraj said parents can assess their children’s emotional development by observing their behaviour in social situations and their reactions to unexpected events. — Picture by Firdaus Latif
Clinical psychologist Divaasini Devaraj said parents can assess their children’s emotional development by observing their behaviour in social situations and their reactions to unexpected events. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

Clinical psychologist Divaasini Devaraj said parents can assess their children’s emotional development by observing their behaviour in social situations and their reactions to unexpected events. — Picture by Firdaus Latif

Divaasini said that key indicators include their peer relationships and emotional responses to others’ distress.

An empathetic child is expected to express genuine concern when a friend is hurt, following up the next day to check on their wellbeing.

Conversely, if a child displays amusement at others’ pain or shows no interest in their friends’ welfare, this could signal emotional disconnection and limited empathy.

Benice, meanwhile, lamented that unhealthy family dynamics in many Asian households hinder the development of empathy, driving children to seek validation elsewhere.

“Peer pressure in the desire to fit in might lead them to bully others. Some children do feel more powerful and it is a compensation method for them to compensate for their insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of family, social and emotional support. It is a way to assert dominance and control over their peers,” she added.

Parents and teachers can sometimes be part of the collective problem

Divaasini said that in an academic setting where teachers are the direct and only role models, bullying tendencies can also develop.

“When a teacher makes mistakes, do they apologise or punish the students? All these will teach the students on what is accepted and what is not, because they are learning from the world around them. So in a way, they can model such a trait from their teachers. It might actually set a precedent that it’s okay if I make a mistake, I can cover it up. I see it happening, everyone is happy. The people who do it are happy. Everything is fine,” she added.

Prem meanwhile, highlighted how parents often exhibit denial when their children undergo counselling or therapy aimed at addressing behavioural issues and fostering personal growth.

Reflecting on his experience, Prem said that parents frequently underestimate the time needed for therapeutic intervention, believing that a brief period of counseling will be sufficient to return their child to normal functioning.

This misconception, he said, can interfere with the therapeutic process and the child’s long-term recovery.

“There is such a thing as collective living and individualistic living. A simple example can be the Western culture versus the Asian culture.

“Now, in Asian culture, we have a very collectivistic lifestyle where we allow parents to make decisions for us, among others. That becomes a form of co-dependency whereby we become so interdependent that decision making becomes so difficult. Autonomy becomes difficult without getting approval.

“In individualism, when the child is 16 or maybe 17, they are allowed to grow up, they are allowed to mature and allowed to make mistakes and learn,” he explained.

File picture of students on the first day of school January 3, 2023. In November last year, then Deputy Education Minister Lim Hui Ying said that bullying incidents at schools had spiked, with 4,994 cases recorded as of October 2023, compared to 3,887 cases in 2022. — Picture by Miera Zulyana
File picture of students on the first day of school January 3, 2023. In November last year, then Deputy Education Minister Lim Hui Ying said that bullying incidents at schools had spiked, with 4,994 cases recorded as of October 2023, compared to 3,887 cases in 2022. — Picture by Miera Zulyana

File picture of students on the first day of school January 3, 2023. In November last year, then Deputy Education Minister Lim Hui Ying said that bullying incidents at schools had spiked, with 4,994 cases recorded as of October 2023, compared to 3,887 cases in 2022. — Picture by Miera Zulyana

Solutions and support: Guiding your child away from bullying

Benice strongly advocated role play among parents and children.

“So firstly, there needs to be conversations during meal times about injustice and our bigger role in society. It is very simple to ask a child: ‘What kind of world do you want to grow up in?’ Then empower the child. Tell them that they can play a role in creating the world they want to grow up in. From there, you identify principles and values and you model that as a family.

“Role play is a very good idea over meal time. It is a lot about education and conversations,” she added.

Divaasini concurred, emphasising the importance of allowing children to make amends by encouraging them to propose solutions and take responsibility for their actions, to enable self-reflection and accountability.

“So instead of saying ‘You did this in school and that is why this happened and you should feel sorry’, say: ‘I got the news and I felt this way and I wanted to speak with you about it. I know it is difficult for you to know when I was called by the teacher, but I want to hear you out, so let’s talk about what happened.’

“Speak about how you feel and then you speak about what is important. Prompt the child. Ask him or her how the person they hurt in school would have felt,” Divaasini suggested, adding that this would also allow a parent to claim their authority in a very healthy way.

If a child remains defiant, she advised implementing appropriate consequences for their actions, such as limiting screen time, among others.

Prem proposed regular open and honest communication between parents and children as the most effective tool of change, instead of immediate punitive measures.

“You practise what you preach. If you do not want your children to sit for hours with their phones, then you should not sit for hours with your phone.

“Start with the simple things. Talk to each other. We are very punitive because we want immediate fixes. We have to go back to the basics: communicating. It is also about giving them the opportunity to clarify.”