Weird as everything is at the moment, not all parts of life have stopped functioning completely in 2020.
For one thing, sports commentators are still commentating, albeit on races across zebra crossings and bathroom plughole unblockings rather than actual sport. And, for another, everyone being stuck at home means the memes are coming thick and fast.
We've already had one absolute standout thread of them in the form of Wash Your Lyrics – which made good use of the WHO's hand scrubbing guidance – and while we've yet to see many others coalesce into proper trends, there's still been some absolutely stellar content around to puncture that bubble of worry we're all in. Top job everyone.
Here are our favourites so far, which we'll be updating on a very, very regular basis. We're spending a lot of time vacantly scrolling through Twitter at the moment.
At the start of lockdown, we were all presented with the opportunity to sculpt a perfect body, learn a new language and develop new skills. The far, far majority of us decided to grow a moustache instead. No regrets.
Looking in mirror before you shave awful lockdown moustache off / Looking in mirror after you shave awful lockdown moustache off pic.twitter.com/wc5z2fWP0D— Ben Machell (@ben_machell) May 27, 2020
It’s also presented us with more opportunity to explore the streets and green spaces of our local areas and, most importantly, fail to take even one ‘gram-worthy photo of our partners.
Your girl after reviewing the pics you took of her pic.twitter.com/yD8eqeT1EU— Rayan (@Bellaboy23) May 25, 2020
That’s not to say there aren’t people who have put their time to good use. We’re in awe of this man’s ginormous squawking Kookaburra bird. We’re also deeply terrified of it.
So my Dad made good use of his time in lockdown and built a huge laughing Kookaburra. pic.twitter.com/UGVC4dZsCL— Rafaan (@RafaanDaliri) May 26, 2020
Other people made even better use of the early days of lockdown, like Dominic Cummings. He closely followed the government’s advice to ‘Stay Home’ by driving 260 miles to Durham.
When news broke that he had supposedly decided to test out his eyesight by driving to a local castle with his wife and child in tow, Twitter was far from convinced.
Despite all the controversy, Prime Minister Boris Johnson is so far sticking by his pal in true Brent-ian style.
"Hi Dominic, it's Boris. Yeah, bad news, mate. We're gonna have to let you go. We can't use you anymore. No, yep cos of the Durham thing." pic.twitter.com/GJ2cDpgkmZ— Tim (@timl_85) May 24, 2020
But as the world continues to panic, there’s always good news to be found in the animal kingdom.
And in good news that makes up for everything, in Costa Rica they've discovered a frog that looks more like Kermit than any other frog. pic.twitter.com/c1LlIbKxjO— Conrad Brunstrom (@conbrunstrom) May 12, 2020
We're knee-deep in the stage of lockdown where the only way to make sense of what we're meant to do and not meant to do is by watching a TikTok tribute to that Daft Hands YouTube video from the internet's Iron Age.
All this sunshine's got us in a slightly ruminative mood. Oh, to be talked through the mechanics of one of those industrial toasters with a huge conveyor belt on it before deciding to just have Rice Krispies.
i miss checking in to hotels and getting briefed on what the concept of a hotel is— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) May 21, 2020
Some days we just stare out of the window thinking about heading back to the Fanta refill taps again and again and again and again.
When the waiter brings the food during my first Nandos after lockdown. pic.twitter.com/yfjMnoJ3JY— Carl Anka (@Ankaman616) May 22, 2020
We declared that there were only two "My plans/2020" memes worth knowing about in our last meme update. That was, however, premature of us. Two more extremely worthy examples have emerged. Firstly: honk honk.
Secondly: "Not a Wembley Stadium fan but this is class [clap emoji] [clap emoji] [cry-laugh emoji]".
We've finally nailed down the reason why the last couple of months have felt less than real. It's because we're trapped in LA Noire.
i used to hate in video games when you’d talk to everyone in a town and they’d all be like “did you hear about the PLOT ELEMENT?” and all the ambient conversations are like “dreadful days, these, what with the PLOT ELEMENT and all.” didn’t realize that’s just actually how it goes— carl (@NightlifeMingus) May 19, 2020
Actually this captures the general sense of farce and uncertainty quite well.
Apologies. I don't seem to be able to stop making end credits for the daily coronavirus briefings. pic.twitter.com/nu4tcCOcnM— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 20, 2020
This one, though... print it out and hang it in the Tate. Magnificent.
Things are getting properly Doctor Who now. Not good Doctor Who either – late Eighties, Colin Baker Doctor Who. Maybe even that Doctor Who episode where Peter Kay played a big green blob that absorbed people.
Pretty cool we're at the "Mysterious Cubes" bit of 2020 pic.twitter.com/gw02TFv6ds— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) May 22, 2020
At least some parts of lockdown life are becoming less weird and more infected by the cantankerous spirit we're all more comfortable with.
doing a no-contact grocery pick up pic.twitter.com/zUhWuAEMsZ— patty burgers (@chuchugoogoo) May 17, 2020
Alex Norris's comics are absolutely purpose-built for the current doom-laden climate. Oh no.
And Stephen Collins' are very, very good too.
Actually, as a treat, let's have another one of Alex Norris's. It's Tuesday. No doubt you're also growing a bit weary of those identical adverts where "these unprecedented times" are invoked with people on fake Zoom calls and references to things being important "now more than ever".
And this one is less a meme than a gif that's going to come in extremely handy in three weeks' time, when any semblance of neighbourly solidarity's finally evaporated. Actually, probably already quite handy if you've had to shop four or five households around you for pratting about doing a conga on VE Day.
Turns out Daniel Craig's appearance on Saturday Night Live was extremely prescient.
There are only two iterations of the "My plans/2020" meme which you need to know about, and one of them is this.
This is the other one. Two absolute screamers.
Meggie Foster's dramatisations of politicians' press conferences and beefs have been one of the big, big bonuses of this godforsaken stretch of barren cultural wasteland. Her Priti Patel as a gin-chugging smart-arse with a cig permanently being waved somewhere near her mouth is a high point, and her Emily Thornberry-Caroline Flint stand-off isn't far off it.
Those second-hand beefs are the only beefs anyone should really have the energy for right now.
public beef? .......at a time like this? friends, i’m beefing with my serotonin levels and nothing else— Aaron Edwards (@aaronmedwards) May 18, 2020
A big gathering of morons who feel coronavirus would be better fought with a bit of good old-fashioned British liberty in Hyde Park gave us a stone-cold classic at the weekend.
i am a free i am not man a number pic.twitter.com/6AqqNuvHaz— Hannah Jane Parkinson (@ladyhaja) May 16, 2020
Haven't got a witticism for this one. Unnecessary.
A Priest giving social distance blessings with a squirt pistol and what, I'm assuming, is Holy water. 2020 folks. pic.twitter.com/iDnYs33hs9— Jeff Barnaby (@tripgore) May 15, 2020
It's important to have open and honest conversations with your parents about TikTok. It might sound like fun, but it can easily turn into a nightmare. Just say no.
That’s the last time I help my mum do a Tiktok pic.twitter.com/TmpEnrmPW7— whitey (@nathwhiteee) May 15, 2020
The updated lockdown rules and a change of messaging from the UK government – but only the English bit of it, fans of clear communication will be glad to note – have been met with a bit of a mixed reception.
Fully expect the Government to come out with this next. pic.twitter.com/A4pmyO8tsC— Phlegm Clandango (@Cain_Unable) May 10, 2020
At least England's citizens can get out and about for endless jogs now.
Unlimited exercise? are we training for the olympics?— Marcellus (@JalenG13) May 10, 2020
Then again, maybe there's a limit.
When does the jogging end... surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) May 13, 2020
Whatever you end up doing to keep moving, mind you stay two metres away from any other runners, walkers, plankers, Popstars: The Rivals winners and revolving door pop industrial complexes.
when you're out for your daily exercise and another household approaches pic.twitter.com/CXZy5XtJSr— shane reaction (@shane_reaction_) May 10, 2020
The announcement of the (very broad) route away from full lockdown included one particularly squint-inducing graph which suggested that North Norfolk's finest dee-jock had pivoted to political comms.
In fact, the entire backroom staff from The Day Today might have been signed up.
"And if you do that, an interesting thing happens. The word 'cruel' starts flashing." pic.twitter.com/IBfKLu0ZIX— Louis Barfe (@AlanKelloggs) May 10, 2020
The hot-or-not thermometer which shows at which Covid defcon we're currently at felt quite familiar too, come to think of it.
You see, the good thing about history is that it never repeats itself.
At least there was some good news from the government during Johnson's address.
"I recuperate from respiratory diseases in a racing car. Do you recuperate from respiratory diseases in a racing car?"
"I recuperate from respiratory diseases in a big bed with my wife."
Meanwhile in Britain pic.twitter.com/WaZjqT5Qo1— Ireland Simpsons Fans (@iresimpsonsfans) May 11, 2020
There is a lot – a whole lot – to unpack in this single screenshot. Principally: why does ex-Germany and Spurs marksman Jurgen Klinsmann conduct Zoom calls in front of a mural of Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny playing golf? Is that a child's room? Is it his own Looney Tunes bunker? Is he sheltering at Warner Bros studios?
Weirdly fascinated by the art work on Jurgen Klinsmann’s wall as he talks on Italian TV pic.twitter.com/jvi2q7l70L— Gabriele Marcotti (@Marcotti) May 10, 2020
There's also been a colossal Twitter barney about the ethics of getting your cleaner to come round your house and potentially expose themselves to a serious disease in return for money. Don't get involved. This is the only tweet you need.
"Yeah we can play Tennis and Golf again isn't that great? And my cleaner and nanny can come back to work! So good to see the country getting back to normal!" pic.twitter.com/4MvLYTLRnj— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) May 14, 2020
A reminder that as hard as the last eight weeks have been, we can all take comfort in the fact that we're not Olly Murs' girlfriend.
Jesus, Olly, this isn't the time pic.twitter.com/gGYR967jo9— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) May 5, 2020
If you're not sure why Olly Murs is now public enemy number two, don't try to find out. His sub-American Pie: The Wedding prankery absolutely must be stamped out immediately. At least some people are giving the situation the respect it deserves.
If there was one thing we didn't really need to be reminded of, it's the absolute worst bit of Hereditary, when the son sits in the car, not wanting to turn around and see what's happened. You're welcome!
The news has gone a bit doolally too. Obviously we all love Captain Tom Moore – he's raised more than £30 million for charity, fair enough – but we might have gone a teensy, tiny bit overboard on his 100th birthday. He was made an honorary member of the England cricket team and got promoted to colonel, which was nice, but the Great British public's tributes to him were of varying quality. (Many happy returns, etc.)
A customised balloon of Captain Tom Moore has been delivered to him on his 100th birthday.— Aubrey Allegretti (@breeallegretti) April 30, 2020
📸: PA pic.twitter.com/dlF2aM89P2
Not sure what he's meant to do with that. At least we know who the people want to deliver swift justice on their behalf now.
Capt tom should execute the sex professor on live television to give the nation a boost— Andy Barr (@SomeNiceFun) May 6, 2020
The days seem to bleed into one now, but there at least distinct movements to that one day.
At least we've got this nation's greatest living artist, Bob Mortimer, to chronicle the day-to-what-day-is-it of this strange time.
And with Boris Johnson out of the woods, epidemiologists hope his blood plasma can be used to create a vaccine thanks to its unusually high levels of 'will to live'.
We're seeing a lot of the various celebrities' houses, and some have graced us with their off-duty wardrobes too.
I need to know what the rest of this garment Ross Kemp is wearing looks like pic.twitter.com/hhHjdCt36q— Nick Walker (@nickw84) April 30, 2020
Now the defining image of the last couple of weeks. All the Zoom quizzes in the world won't quench that thirst for just one small night out.
The closest we've got to a mad one so far is this absolutely excellent remix of the BBC News theme, which seamlessly works in the vocals from Dua Lipa's 'Hallucinate' off her new album. (Which is an absolutely colossal set of bangers, we don't mind telling you.)
BREAKING NEWS: I've finally finished remixing @DUALIPA with the certified BOP that is the @BBCNews theme! ❤️(Twitter only allows the first 2min here. Check out the full thing on Youtube: https://t.co/o7CSDr5Qwb) #DuaLipa #Hallucinate #BBCNews #Mashup #Remix pic.twitter.com/UyS91osXhW— Ben Howell (@piffleandwhimsy) April 27, 2020
Thanks to Greg James and his Radio 1 show, this whole thing spiralled into Dua Lipa herself getting wind of it, and then BBC News, and then, finally, the loop closing when both Greg and Ben being interviewed on BBC News by everyone's favourite broadcast curmudgeon Simon McCoy. Speaking of the Beeb's crack news squadron, this recent promo vid featuring their beset and brightest was ripe for a rejigging.
God bless you, Guy Goma, wherever you are. This next supercut from Tash Demetriou, who you've seen in Stath Lets Flats and What We Do In The Shadows, is the extremely heavily digested version of our big GoldenEye watchalong with Pierce Brosnan. You can still watch the whole thing here if you like, or get the digested version with the 13 best anecdotes here.
What an absolute gent Pierce Brosnan is. Sorry to dump you back down to Earth again now.
Good luck, millennials pic.twitter.com/j4vDzB6iI5— Ireland Simpsons Fans (@iresimpsonsfans) April 27, 2020
You, like us, were probably shocked to hear that French football in Ligue 1 and Ligue 2 won't be resuming this season, robbing Europe's most competitive league of a climax.
Now we will never know who would have won Ligue 1— Barney Ronay (@barneyronay) April 28, 2020
Now something silly. That's just silly, Dan!!
Now over to Charles and Camilla and their Michael Gove-esque clapping effort.
So into Charles & Camilla learning to clap for what appears to be the first time ever in their lives 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 pic.twitter.com/siMgBjxZmq— Ed Brody (@chiefbrody1984) April 23, 2020
Very useful one to bookmark for sarcastic use in the group chat, that. Speaking of world leaders who only have power because of their parents, Kim Jong Un's apparently been feeling a bit peaky. We go live to our DPRK correspendent, Dril.
kim jong un Sir, we dont see eye to eye on many policy's. But I look forward to you recovering from being brain dead, so we can share a Beer— wint (@dril) April 21, 2020
The TikTok trend for miming along to The Leader of the Free World's press conferences is the only way to expose yourself to his latest bizarre message. Just for clarity's sake: do not inject bleach into your lungs.
Then again, maybe we're overreacting.
Look, it’s funny to say that Trump told people to drink bleach, but it’s not accurate. He simply said that scientists should inject people with bleach— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) April 24, 2020
No, if you're going to listen to anyone during this crisis, make it a cartoon rendering of Joe Pesci.
A little perspective please, everyone. But not from you, Ryanair.
Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.— Mikeyunbelievable (@MikeDentale) April 22, 2020
Meanwhile, the clapping has bent this nation's collective brain.
Shitposting has transformed the world in its own image pic.twitter.com/j3ipm3Z5g2— Josh Hall (@JoshAJHall) April 23, 2020
Props to our German friends: things have calmed down enough that football is preparing to return on 9 May in geisterspieler – that's 'ghost games', behind closed doors. Time to order a Union Berlin scarf.
Not sure if this is strictly coronavirus content, given it relies on the conceit of someone breaking into a house while everyone's out and about, but we'll give it the benefit of the doubt on account of it being a) the product of lockdown boredom and b) very, very, very good.
Animal Crossing has turned up at just the right time. Unexpectedly, so did Hollywood's Most Chill Man™.
guys I tweeted my turnip prices and elijah wood just came to my island and hung out 😭😭😭😭😭 this is the best day in quarantine yet pic.twitter.com/H3mYJWnvgR— Jessica (@directedbyrian) April 23, 2020
What a good egg. Even those of us who spend roughly as much time into the void as we ever did are finding some positives now.
Glad to know that 6 am walks full of existential dread can still be part of my lifestyle, just with a night of sleep behind me now— Sophie Mackintosh (@fairfairisles) April 24, 2020
Next, the painful clarity of realising exactly where you've heard Donald Trump's coronavirus briefings before: the smoking area at 2am, out of the mouth of someone who won't take "I think my mates have gone back in" for an answer.
This new TikTok genre is killing me pic.twitter.com/aWQIny7Mmi— luke i am your mother (@MommaUnfiltered) April 20, 2020
Then again, getting back into the club – even if it were open – might not give you any more answers. Mr Worldwide himself shared these bars. Inspiring? Not really. Shitposting? Impossible to tell. Indicator that Pitbull thinks coronavirus is some kind of hoax? You decide.
That World Cup 2010 advert where Wazza had to go into hiding after a rubbish display wasn't just a portent for England's travails in South Africa.
After Captain Tom Moore's £20 million fundraising spree, it turns out the the over-90s are this country's great untapped resource.
Ordered my 80 year old nan a rowing machine so she can stop being lazy and start making some damn money for the NHS— employable. (@nealvinay) April 18, 2020
Obviously you'll drive yourself mad if you're lolling around on Twitter all day, but good news! The gourmet hot takes are about oil now.
The epidemiologists breath a sigh of relief as everyone on Twitter transforms into an oil economist instead.— James O'Malley (@Psythor) April 20, 2020
And some slightly suspect 5k times.
My new favourite lockdown trend is influencers moaning about their followers claiming that they're lying about how fast they run in their Strava screenshots— Sarah Manavis (@sarahmanavis) April 21, 2020
At least people are bringing together their neighbourhoods and enriching each other's lives with the power of house bangers.
Introverts have been waiting for something like this to happen for years. How do you know someone reckons they're an introvert? They'll tell you about it, repeatedly.
every smug introvert during covid pic.twitter.com/TF5JKeWAAq— vidyAAAAAARGH (@vidyarrrr) April 17, 2020
Feel like pure shit just want pints back x
I’ve reached breaking point... I just almost cried at a song that reminded me of the pub— Sam Neve (@SJNeve) April 20, 2020
Happier times, Bob. Happier times.
Fond memories of last Easter when we were free pic.twitter.com/CjiAgq82Bs— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) April 11, 2020
Actually, speaking of Bob, he's passed on a few messages from Train Guy. He's holed up in his isolation inspiration station, sorting out deals with business partner Geoff Linton, putting ideas in the thought fridge to snack on later. (Copyright Mark ROFLo.)
Train Guy...Chaotic Balls pic.twitter.com/ooutblHNes— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) April 16, 2020
Let's have a quick check-in with nature. The fish returned to Venice's canals, the goats have taken Llandudno, and now some of the natural world's rarest phenomena are more visible than ever.
Due to less air pollution the sky is so clear ! I can see the Universal logo ! pic.twitter.com/EqiqIDL4JJ— Romain Revert (@romainrevert) April 13, 2020
Have you ever seen the Northern Lights? Before you go to bed tonight, look outside. You might just be surprised.
You might want to reconsider the motivation behind your flatmate's sudden interest in sourdough. Just check the cupboards.
Wife *yelling from other room* you're making bread? Why are you making bread?— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 12, 2020
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The ducks are going to come out of this on top, you mark our words. Listen to them cackling. They know they're the winners here.
laughing alone to no one in my home after firing off another unhinged tweet pic.twitter.com/SPtuYqsBYg— oatmeal influencer (@acechhh) April 14, 2020
We might not be able to whisper our conclusions about Tiger King into each other's ears for some time yet, but until that day there are ways we can find community.
Obviously, it is good news that Boris Johnson's out of hospital. Leaving aside all of his, you know, career and opinions, it's good that he's feeling better. Not least because we can now meme with impunity.
Take comfort in the fact that the amount of money you might have saved from not going to the pub, any restaurants or on holiday for the last month will be more than made up for during the years-long Rumspringa you'll launch yourself into at the first sign of freedom.
sad that i'm going to use the lockdown months to justify going out solidly until i'm 35— Sean Bernard (@seanbgoneill) April 14, 2020
As if BBC weather presenter Owain Wyn Evans wasn't busy enough with the weather, he's had to double up on the outro. Some lovely Metronomy-esque fills in there.
Meanwhile this news channel in Cleveland, USA, is simultaneously providing an invaluable service and finally putting the weatherman to good use.
cleveland news has officially lost their minds... pic.twitter.com/PgPw3OAC1C— abs (@abbyhoward26) April 2, 2020
Suddenly every single advert cups your face in its hands and mentions These Strange Times. Then it talks about hoovers.
I like how ads have gone from “buy a toyota” to “this is a difficult and uncertain time for us all...buy a toyota”— first generation content creator (@InternetHippo) April 14, 2020
These are incredibly trying times for a lot of people, but at least we have A-list celebrities to inspire us. They always know what to do.
Celebrities when people are d*ing all over the world pic.twitter.com/UN5VWEpWgH— Matías (@maticaps) March 19, 2020
Still, Jeff Goldblum had the good sense to give Gal Gadot’s singalong a miss. Fair play.
Jeff Goldblum getting back to Gal Gadot pic.twitter.com/lBHIURuy77— Gianmarco Soresi (@GianmarcoSoresi) March 19, 2020
Needless to say, the summer of homemade sourdough will stay with us for a long, long time. You weren’t there, man.
2072: “hey grandpa i did a sourdough starter” pic.twitter.com/j2K66I103C— Dan (@AntonioSlamsci) April 1, 2020
Esquire’s own Deputy Style Editor Finlay Renwick here, with a tweet that will hit a little too close to home (detached, Tudor, darling wine cellar) for many a London journo.
Every single journalist in London after fleeing to Hampshire when things started kicking off... pic.twitter.com/1vV8FbDWjT— Finlay Renwick (@FinlayRenwick) April 2, 2020
Many of us are stuck inside with a housemate 24/7 right now, and somehow every single one of them is The Worst Person In The World.
roommate you don't want to be in quarantine with pic.twitter.com/a6CfsO4QSu— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) March 19, 2020
Pouring one out to all the fits that will go un-flexed in the months ahead.
Choose your fighter: quarantine edition (bonus points for being the only TikTok we’ve ever laughed at. The sound effects really are a nice touch)
choose your quarantine loadout carefully— Wicked Good Gaming (@WickedGoodGames) April 5, 2020
No dogs were harmed in the making of this tweet (at least we think. We didn’t check or anything).
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium. pic.twitter.com/aiGEkhjwhI— cluedont (@cluedont) April 8, 2020
Then there’s this complete dereliction of duty.
Irresponsible. If anything, they should be breaking them up. pic.twitter.com/axQU0tEEn0— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 9, 2020
This is just beautiful. Free of people, wild species are returning to their natural habitats.
Wildlife finally returning to Thames. Nature is healing🌷 pic.twitter.com/d6uBxSaIAx— ruby🦎 (@roobeekeane) March 29, 2020
Great advice for anyone with a boyfriend and a USB microphone hanging about in the drawer, from Derry Girls actor Nicola Coughlan.
This family is being forced to reckon with isolation together, and they're mostly spending the time introducing an older family member to whatever it is the kids are doing these days.
Last summer's three-quarter cargo shorts were the first symptoms of Covid-19, it turns out. Should have seen it coming.
A lot of you probably have coronavirus bc one symptom is having no taste— Amish (@camillepawglia) March 26, 2020
At least it's good to know that faceless multinational corporations have our back, and want to let us know that they've got exactly the product to make all this bearable.
Everyone's got extremely into Zoom and Houseparty lately – and doing relentless quizzes on it, which you could probably do with our tips on hosting – despite some murmurings about security and privacy. But where did those murmurs burble from? Only one person can crack a case this big.
Listen lads, I’m no grass but I heard it was… Rebekah Vardy https://t.co/kbUr31felF— Godfrey (@kylegodfrey98) March 31, 2020
Meanwhile, it's not just mere mortals who are having to adapt to the Friday night Zoom pub experience.
Now that the sheer novelty of being able to swap your Zoom background's fading, it's an arms race to get the best one.
Then again, this one's a strong contender.
In fact, there's a whole thread full of them here. Have a dig for yourself, obviously, but for us the standouts have to be the "This is fine" dog's flame-filled room and the final room in the spaceship from the finale of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
iconic zoom backgrounds: a thread— Shell 🐝 (@BeeShellll) March 31, 2020
keep it going pic.twitter.com/GU54B97tiR
Or you could make an absolutely excellent GIF.
Today I made a Zoom background of myself accidentally walking in on myself in a Zoom meeting. pic.twitter.com/Rl2AsjfZ7V— Dan Crowd (@itsdancrowd) April 3, 2020
Meanwhile, British celeb Twitter and Instagram has been more than keeping its end up.
Rita mate, do you want to just back up a couple of ste–
I literally just cried proper tears of laughter watching Rita Ora bang her head on Instagram live. 😂😂🤣🤣😭😭 pic.twitter.com/CDcmIJbpQV— Josh (@Joshlovesit19) March 29, 2020
Imagine popping to the shop to do your once-weekly shop and find that your local Spar's being managed by Matt Damon.
Possibly the only good thing about the recent turmoil is that Matt Damon was in Dublin for a shoot when the travel restrictions came in so he's been stuck there ever since and is, by all accounts, having a great time going for wee jogs and saying hi to old ladies in dalkey— Staymas Insidely (@shockproofbeats) April 3, 2020
Maybe Damon could spend some time getting to know his white goods.
week two of quarantine and my boyfriend just told me he thought it would be interesting to put a go pro in the dishwasher “to see what goes on in there”— Hettie O'Brien (@hettieveronica) April 2, 2020
Some communities are taking this enforced isolation quite well.
In other news... the cat over the road is called Walter pic.twitter.com/loIHA2J4mH— Sian Cosgrove (@sian_cosgrove) March 29, 2020
Others less so.
Just as fish have returned to the canals of Venice, so the goats of the Great Orme, a country park on a headland that juts out from Llandudno on the North Wales coast, have returned to take back what's rightfully theirs. They want Llandudno, and they're taking it one delicious privet hedge at a time.
I think I just got a group of goats in Llandudno arrested.— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
Let me explain... first, I saw this from inside a dark pub (the one I live in currently). I thought I was seeing things. So I took some video: pic.twitter.com/RtxYG6htLC
The goats arrived on Friday, and immediately set about destroying human civilisation.
They weren’t moving from their midnight feast. And they were probably going to run riot on the town, what with nobody being about due to the lockdown. I also wasn’t sure if they were keeping the required 2m apart. pic.twitter.com/Yn69JWDV8p— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
So the police came around and broke it up, and the goats went back up the Great Orme. BUT THEN.
Goat update: they’re back, and they’re gathering in groups of more than 2 🐐 pic.twitter.com/Bc2N42SPGo— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
Emboldened by their success and showing complete disrespect to the North Wales constabulary, the goats returned. They started roaming the streets in gangs, as if daring the people of Llandudno to step outside their homes and defend their shrubbery.
Just kidding around, yeah? 🐐 pic.twitter.com/NHpV3seMlA— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
That was on Saturday. Sunday was quiet in Llandudno. Maybe the goats had had their fun. Maybe Llandudno was coming out of the other end of its goat ordeal – a little bruised, a little shaken, but stronger for it. But then came Monday.
They're controlling the hedge racket in this town now. Capiche?
They run Llandudno now and we just have to accept that as fact. Shenkin must be giving them tips from the Royal Welsh. pic.twitter.com/RaABUtWrDa— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
Can’t believe I’m writing this... they’re back (again) pic.twitter.com/fwMLPa53ue— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
It's over now. The Goats are running things in Llandudno. They will likely have taken much of North Wales by the end of the week. After that? Who knows. Presumably they'll start to subvert political processes at a grassroots level next, gain control of a few councils, and aim to get their first MPs in place by 2030. We could be looking at a goat Prime Minister by the mid-2040s.
I, for one, welcome our new goat overlords pic.twitter.com/Fk5x6XaCLM— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
Dear God. At least people in other areas of the country are taking the proper precautions.
someone in our neighbourhood has responded to this global pandemic by putting a cutout of Ainsley Harriott in their window pic.twitter.com/SLZpky8K9Z— Heather Parry (@HeatherParryUK) March 25, 2020
Perhaps too proper, in some cases.
Meanwhile, someone has turned up to the Waitrose I used to work at in a zorb ball pic.twitter.com/bJ196P4axW— Sophie Morris (@itssophiemorris) March 27, 2020
There will only be two types of man after this is all over: very hairy men, and very badly home-shaved men.
Nobody:— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) March 26, 2020
Lads during self-isolation: pic.twitter.com/51WZVsXJQT
Now we turn, as we must, with the government's latest announcement of the extreme measures it's going to take to try and keep the country fed during this time of panic-buying and pasta-hoarding.
Number 10 has launched an all-out media bombardment to get the message out there.
wow, a moment we’ll remember for the rest of our lives pic.twitter.com/BIrrKUpikl— Ellen C Scott (@EllenCScott) March 23, 2020
If you missed the origins of The Great Wembley Lasagne Saga, catch up here.
The Ministry of Defence supposedly coordinating a Massive Lasagna😆 sampled this recording i found this morning, self isolation done right ? pic.twitter.com/kV9lLKW3Jw— Lotrax (@lotraxsounds) March 21, 2020
(Some bonus content: the man behind the WhatsApp voice note that went mad is 29-year-old Londoner Billy McLean, who works in software sales. He chucked it into a group of 30 of his mates from football on Thursday last week, and it went off its head.
"It was just a one take. I sent it to the football group, my mum and the girl that I’m trying to date," he told the Guardian. "It went around the football group. Then I got people that I know forwarding it to me, not knowing it was me, or forwarding it to me asking if I’d heard it. Ex-girlfriends were coming out of the woodwork asking was it me."
The FA told the Guardian that it's aware of the WhatsApp message, and that it doesn't have any plans to turn Wembley into a giant lasagne pan at the moment.)
Elsewhere, conscientious citizens are taking their duties seriously.
Just saw a very sweet slice of quarantine life. Two young lovers in jogging gear in Springfield Park, clearly pretending to be doing their exercise for the day so they could steal a moment together. Not ashamed to say I had a slight catch in my throat as I called the police.— Staymas Insidely (@shockproofbeats) March 25, 2020
And the lockdown enforcement got an appropriately nu-metal soundtrack.
Without any of the usual architecture of the week, things are going a bit sideways.
Though some habits die hard.
Me getting up at 8:59am for the big commute to work to the spare room and the 9am start pic.twitter.com/A53ewhjloA— Ryan* (@ryan3levis) March 23, 2020
Ken Barlow is the superhero we all need right now.
Liam Gallagher's done his own singalong hand-washing vids, and grown a gigantic Gimli beard in the process.
Here’s another one you might know. It’s called SOAPERSONIC. If you know the words wash along LG x pic.twitter.com/pG4ZHjH5VL— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 21, 2020
If you won't listen to Liam, listen to several very demonstrative Italian mayors.
"I stopped him and said, 'Look, this isn't a movie. You are not Will Smith in I Am Legend. Go home."— 🌈 (@protectheflames) March 22, 2020
This is the updated compilation of Italian Mayors losing it at people violating #Covid19 quarantine. Yes, subtitles are accurate. pic.twitter.com/60V4Csuonb
Peter Serafinowicz's doddery businessman Brian Butterfield has some tech advice too.
As that tweet said, Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a quarantine. We may have already seen our own equivalent.
Day 5 of self isolation pic.twitter.com/01zf3oQbSu— Scottish Patter (@ScottishPatterr) March 22, 2020
The self-isolation madness comes for us all, whatever your species.
When you're on your first day of self-isolation but your third bottle of wine pic.twitter.com/UbZXaHdFPb— Jack (@J4CKMULL) March 16, 2020
We always knew Partick Thistle's David Shrigley-designed mascot was an omen of something.
This is what I imagine Coronavirus looks like pic.twitter.com/unMoFjypEo— lozzy socks (@BaggyTrousers_) March 12, 2020
After the fish in Venice and deer in Japan's cities, London's ecosystem is rebalancing too.
Amazing to see the wildlife returning to London now everybody is staying at home! pic.twitter.com/KXX9dqzAdr— WILL JÆNNINGS-13 (@willjennings80) March 21, 2020
This is a journey we can all sympathise with.
Last night Corona led me down a YouTube rabbit hole and I ended up watching a video of an Australian cheese maker making parmesan. He starts his videos by saying "g'day curd nerds" and all the comments are Italians telling him to go fuck himself— Joe (@josephcorcoran) March 16, 2020
Like aural butter.
Just thinking about how Michael D. Higgins says Coronavirus. pic.twitter.com/32NM7XTjSU— do you want me to call christina aguilera??? (@cmerechicken) March 17, 2020
Because it's not drinking alone if you're not drinking alone.
Harsh, but fair.
Not a great sign when a pandemic actually improves your show pic.twitter.com/U06kCclaqg— James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 17, 2020
You already know how much we love Bob Mortimer's train guy.
Train Guy... Phil Collins Tickets pic.twitter.com/CeMLzVJptl— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) March 17, 2020
Next, angling the mirror in the bathroom.
Still not as bad as 'Imagine', obviously.
BUT CAN YOU SUB WALNUTS IN FOR PINE NUTS!?
we are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions— Shay Spence (@chezspence) March 19, 2020
"Don't come the fuck in, fuck the fuck off"
Me returning to the family home after months away to begin a coronavirus lockdown pic.twitter.com/fpAMUXfQLh— Charlie Peters (@CDP1882) March 18, 2020
Courtesy of the Compuglobalhypermeganet Simpsons Facebook fan page:
QUARANTINE DIARY— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) March 12, 2020
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix
Jonesing for a bowl of ram-don about now.
self quarantine at my bosses house so far so good pic.twitter.com/CeEceDrXsg— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) March 15, 2020
While singing 'Happy Birthday', of course.
remember to wash your hands xox pic.twitter.com/YB7GH6zPtW— Chris (Simpsons artist) (@getbentsaggy) March 4, 2020
Even an Off-White face mask?
And, courtesy of the Do You Not Know Who Eric Hitchmough Is? Facebook group:
As David Brent once said: "It's been a washout, hasn't it."
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