Bury Me In Elizabeth Warren’s Withering Glares at Bloomberg
For months, there have been memes and jokes about Senator Elizabeth Warren’s incredible level of energy: the way that she enters every event with the quick jog of a person who is doing a 5K for charity but also as a personal quest, her indefatigable selfie skills, and more. Last night, like Scott Summers taking off his sunglasses in X-Men, she turned that blast off energy toward presidential hopeful and (have you heard?) very rich man Michael “Mike” Bloomberg. And, reader, RIP me.
Elizabeth Warren made it clear that her plan for last night’s debate included one bullet point: “reduce Bloomberg to a pile of salt like Lot’s wife”, which is very specific but turned out to be accurate. The minute I realized what Warren had in mind I immediately ascended to the Heavyside Layer. (Yes, Grizzabella was the Jellicle choice, but the Cats recently instituted ranked choice voting and that’s how I—and we all—win.)
Elizabeth Warren at Wednesday’s Democratic debate had big “What you’re not going to do...” energy. She stood there giving her best Dikembe Mutumbo impression. There was almost an indignation in the way she laser-focused on whether Bloomberg should be on the stage at all. Elizabeth Warren is the only person whom I would unequivocally support if she asked to speak to the manager. Early on, she started taking down Michael Bloomberg using the billionaire kryptonite of “facts” and “things he’s said and done” and though she made it look as effortless as Maria teaching the Von Trapps the scales, I was at home straight up sweating. The Mortal Kombat “Finish him!” started flashing above Bloomberg’s head, but Warren was like “cool yer jets, pally!”
I think the moment I truly left the physical realm to go live in that big Parasite basement in the sky was when Warren started talking about who the Dems on stage were up against and turned it into a reveal that would have made Rupaul explode into glitter. "I'd like to talk about who we're running against,” she said. “A billionaire who calls women 'fat broads' and 'horse-faced lesbians,' and, no, I'm not talking about Donald Trump.” Me, at home: “WHAT?!!!”
Warren continued, "I'm talking about Mayor Bloomberg." Me, at home: “OH SHIT!!!”
She said that and I jumped up and immediately called the police. I was like “hello, officer? Elizabeth Warren just pulled off Michael Bloomberg’s face like a Scooby-Doo villain mask.”
Warren stopped and frisked Bloomberg on national television because he matched the description. When I tell you I am screaming and will be screaming until Warren personally calls me and tells me to calm down.
Elizabeth Warren was like “Bloomberg’s mouth is writing checks his hands can’t cash.” And Bloomberg was like “Uh, actually I can cash any check ever written. That’s kind of my thing.” And Warren was like “PAYMENT DENIED!”
Warren cleaned out his bank like a one-woman Ocean’s Eleven. If anyone could forgo putting together a disparate group and just do the whole heist herself, it’s obviously Elizabeth Warren.
Virginia Woolf was like “Senator Warren said she would decimate the billionaire herself.”
Elizabeth Warren did that thing from 80s movies where the restaurant server cuts your credit card up in front of you and then puts it on a silver tray. What was happening in the 1980s?!
Elizabeth Warren read Bloomberg down to his socks with the openness and precision of a relative at Thanksgiving dinner who has HAD IT with your tomfoolery. She’s your uncle’s long-time girlfriend who we all know is too good for him (that’s why they’re not married, but that’s a different story) and every time you see her she squints at you appraisingly and then proceeds to take you apart at a molecular level with sentences. And you look around at everyone else like “uh, help?” And the rest of your family is like “no, she’s right. You’re the bad guy here.” Your uncle Joe Biden is like “Wow, I haven’t seen anything this intense since Corn Pop!” Your cousin Mayor Pete is like “I’m just glad she’s not talking to me.” Your cousin Amy is like “SHUT UP, PETER! ¡Silencio!” And you’re like “Why did I, Michael Bloomberg, spend all these billions just to go on TV and get embarrassed like this? I could have bought a Qdoba franchise. Or the moon. And yet here I am, at this podium, being absolutely bodied by Senator Elizabeth Warren. Wow. Sometimes it be your own billions.”
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