Billie Lourd Says Grief from Mom Carrie Fisher's Death Gives Her 'Deeper Appreciation' of Life 8 Years Later
"I always dread this day," Lourd wrote Dec. 27, the eighth anniversary of her mom's death
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Carrie Fisher and Billie Lourd in Hollywood, California, on Dec. 14, 2015Billie Lourd is remembering the "magic" of he late mother Carrie Fisher eight years after her death.
The actress wrote a tribute to Fisher on Instagram Friday, Dec. 27, alongside a throwback mother-daughter photo from what appeared to be a tropical vacation.
"I always dread this day," Lourd wrote. "I spend so much time leading up to it thinking about how awful I’m going to feel. And my dread is usually right. I woke up this morning with a dark cloud over me. But when my kids woke up the dark cloud dissipated and made way for bright glowing sunshine."
The Scream Queens alum, 32, continued of her late mother, "Her death anniversary is like an emotional tropical storm. It pours rain a lot of the day but between the storms the light is more beautiful than on any day without storm clouds. There are no rainbows without rain."
Lourd added that there is a "great" quote from Anne Lamott that resonates with her, about how "grief is 'like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly — that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.' "
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"That describes how I feel today perfectly," she continued. "Yes the grief weather is cold and yes I may have a limp but I am absolutely dancing through life (oops I quoted wicked?). And I am actually a better dancer with my limp."
The Booksmart actress explained that her grief, though difficult, has "given me a deeper appreciation for all the little moments of life," adding, "So today I am griefful (griefy but grateful)."
"I watch the magic that is my son and daughter and I know she is a piece of that magic. And I feel all the things. The grief. The joy. The longing. The magic. The emptiness. The fullness. And it all coexists in a profound way. Sending my love to everyone out there who needs it," concluded Lourd, who shares son Kingston, 4, and daughter Jackson, 2, with husband Austen Rydell.
Fisher died Dec. 27, 2016, four days after going into cardiac arrest on a flight from London to Los Angeles. The Star Wars veteran was 60 years old. Fisher's mother and Lourd's grandmother, Debbie Reynolds, died at age 84 from a stroke just one day after Fisher's death.
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From L: Billie Lourd, Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher in Los Angeles on Jan. 25, 2015Related: Carrie Fisher's Life in Photos
Lourd spoke with PEOPLE in September about her mom and grandma at the Toronto International Film Festival, reflecting on how her latest role in The Last Showgirl reminded her of them.
"That's so weird, a movie about Vegas and mothers and daughters ... did I relate to that? A hundred percent," the actress said.
Lourd said she "fell in love" with Gia Coppola's script upon first reading it because she related it to her family history.
"I was so excited to get to be involved in it because it reminded me so much of my mom and grandma," she said of Fisher and Reynolds. "My grandma was a showgirl in her own right and my mom was a little bit of the character that I got to play."
"So it was really cathartic and incredible to get to be in this movie and play this role. It was really cool," Lourd added.
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