You may not know it now, but the biggest swing state in the 2020 presidential election isn't even a state. No. This moment in American history will be decided in a space made of bits and pixels—an anthropomorphized utopia, if you will, ruled by a tyrannical raccoon by the name of Nook.
Intrepid voter, young or old, left or right, red or blue! This is Animal Crossing. On Friday afternoon, presidential candidate Joe Biden revealed his very own island, called Biden Island, in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. In what's probably-definitely a crack at appealing to the Nintendo Switch-owning youngins of this country, the world got its first look at Biden Island via the KindaFunnyGames channel on Switch. Soon, you must know, this squishy video game will be the stuff of the livid Fox News infographic.
With this being a sort of important election and all, there's no such thing as leaving stones unturned. So we dissected every damn square of America's newest battleground: Biden Island. And we have some questions.
1. How the hell did they rig Animal Crossing Biden to greet you with "No Malarkey!"?
2. Who is the legend who scored a job on the Biden campaign designing Biden Island?
3. Actually. Wait. The sheer amount of work done to Biden Island (trust me, an early-pandemic Animal Crossing player) suggests this was the job of an entire team. Were there Zoom meetings, Google documents, and deadlines? Did they take shifts? What's the potential for political advancement from working on Biden's Animal Crossing task force? Is there any chance our president in 2064 got their start designing a fictional polling station in Animal Crossing?
4. Isn't it a little on the nose to have Apollo, the giant cartoon eagle, shacking up on Biden Island?
5. God forbid, are we heading toward a future where the only White House Biden lives in is the one in Animal Crossing?
6. Why is there trash waiting to be picked up in front of Resident Services? Did Biden cut the island's budget for waste management?
7. Biden Island sports an ice cream stand outside Nook's Cranny—when did Biden's ice cream meme transcend into a legitimate brand identity?
8. Does Biden really love dogs this much, too? Is Joe Biden your next Hinge date?
9. In the basement is... JOE'S TRAIN TOWN?! I don't even know this guy!
10. Is Kamala Harris really enough of a sneakerhead that half of her Biden Island office needs to be adorned by shoes?
11. Where was Animal Crossing Harris? What's on her island?
12. Who else is just a little bit surprised that Raymond is a Biden guy?
13. Is this Biden's answer to Pokémon go to the polls?
14. No offense to KindaFunnyGames, but why didn't an Animal Crossing celeb host the tour? Who would've rather watched Elijah Wood shake Biden's avi down for discount turnips?
15. Is sporting political merch in a video game featuring a talking Shih Tzu named Isabelle an admirable act of patriotism, or a self-own?
16. When will the inevitable, New York Times-esque dispatch from MAGA Island come? Will PewDiePie host that stream?
17. What would be on Trump Island? Actually, no. Don't answer that.
18. Will an entire Animal Crossing political ecosystem emerge in the fallout of Biden Island? Where every island will be red, blue, or Kanye?
19. If that happens, would MAGA Island ever resort to instituting a travel ban at Dodo Airlines?
20. Is this what it has come down to? Will all the hate and anger and vitriol infect even the happiest place on the planet?
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