20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (July 2-8)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel

— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2024 ">

Marriage is great except for the part where you find out you make too much noise breathing and eating.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) July 6, 2024 ">

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying two days longer than planned

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 7, 2024 ">

The average person who is not married to my husband has NO IDEA how much soccer one can watch on TV.

— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) July 6, 2024 ">

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) July 7, 2024 ">

My wife claimed “I bring shame to my family” when I asked Lowe’s customer service questions about the return policy and made jokes like “We’ll wipe it down with Clorox” and “No visible butt prints” about the toilet seat she picked out and had us shamelessly lugging around.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 5, 2024 ">

my wife: you look like you’re delivering the mail

me: what do you mean pic.twitter.com/8Xu6qWQOBP

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 5, 2024 ">

My wife asked if I wanted to get together with friends today. I said no. So we meet up with them at 3 today.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024 ">

I asked my husband to get me hemorrhoid cream because I knew he'd have to ask the person at Target to get it out of the locked cabinet. I don't actually have hemorrhoids; I just thought it would be amusing.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 3, 2024 ">

Today my physician husband told me he won an appeal on a traffic violation "even though my lawyer spouse refused to help" and boy did we have a fun conversation about the time he made me drive to instacare in a blizzard because he refused to prescribe me basic cold medicine.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 5, 2024 ">

I sometimes feel jealous of my husband who manages to stay pretty disconnected from stressful news but then I hear him screaming while playing "Elden Ring" and realize he's just suffering in a different way.

— Ben Siemon (@BenjaminJS) July 2, 2024 ">

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to work tomorrow so don’t wake me up in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 3, 2024 ">

Celebrating Independence Day as a golf widow, just as our forefathers intended.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) July 4, 2024 ">

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) July 4, 2024 ">

my wife thinks just because these shorts have 2 holes in them that I should throw them away. She doesn't understand that I have new lounge around the house shorts now. They've been promoted.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024 ">

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 4, 2024 ">

dog rolling over for belly rubs: adorable
husband rolling over for belly rubs: unacceptable

— Midge (@mxmclain) July 7, 2024 ">

Wife: Can I trim your shorts so they don’t look so long like you’re living in 1995?

Me: No, they’re gonna come back

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 5, 2024 ">

I was laying around thinking about how much I wanted tacos.
Then my husband walked into the room and asked if I wanted him to pick up tacos.

So this is love

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 2, 2024 ">

Wife tried to help me do some woodworking projects but quickly got tired of me saying "screw me" everytime I needed a screw

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 5, 2024 ">